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Here's Part One of a two part play I wrote. This was originally constructed in the early/mid 90s... right before Pulp Fiction. Some people that have read it since think I'm ripping Tarantino, but, basically, it was before.

It hasn't been produced, but it has appeared in short story form in a now defunct comic magazine called Glyph. Though I can't remember which issue. Number 2 or 3.

Anyway, here you go. My more romantic comedy plays can be found in journal entries a ways back. In case this isn't your cup of tea.

Of special note, I did a slight re-write just for this showing. Enjoy your exclusive first look.


CAT TALES
A Play by Daniel Kaufman


THE CHARACTERS

Mike and Andy Professional gangsters

Alex Woman in her early twenties

A Prisoner


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

A secluded seaside dock. The SOUND of LAPPING WATER gives way to the MURMUR of two VOICES, Mike and Andy.

MIKE (OS): -- pulled the nails out, peeled it off the tree, and threw it into this nasty pond behind my house.

ANDY (OS): Man. (Pause.) I always wanted to do that thing where you tie their tails together, you know? But I could never figure it out.

MIKE (OS): Never figure it out? You mean you couldnt get a piece of rope or something?

They enter. Andy SMOKES. He PUSHES the PRISONER, a man bound with duct tape to a wheelchair. The prisoner wears an old style diving helmet with a long hose jury rigged to it. Mike carries the length of hose.

ANDY: Rope? Whattaya mean?

MIKE: You said you wanted to tie their tails together, right? You couldnt find a piece of rope? A bungie cord or something?

ANDY: Rope? Rope. Ah... fuck! I thought you actually had to tie their tails together.

MIKE: Are you serious?

ANDY: Yeah. Man, I wondered how to make the tails stay tied together. If you had to break them up... the bones, ya know... or what...

MIKE: Just good rope. Thin and strong. Two or three feet, depending on how big they are.

The men stop. They drop the coils. Mike pulls out tangles.

ANDY: Man, I missed out.

MIKE: Its pretty cool, when you're a kid. Put the rope over a beam and watch the fur fly.

ANDY: Man.

MIKE (Makes claw motions.): This one pair, they clawed each others eyes out somehow. I pulled them down... let them go. Blind cats... running around... sniffin. Bumping into shit.

ANDY: Man, I feel like a part of my childhood is missing.

MIKE: I wouldnt go that far.

PRISONER (Muffled from the helmet, over the top of the gangsters.):
I told him the truth! I told him the truth! Please!

ANDY: I used to feed the lighter fluid...

MIKE: So, what are we up to, Andy?

PRISONER (Muffled from the helmet.): I dont wanna die! Please!

ANDY: Our man Sonny wants him done slow. By dumping in the water here... giving him something to breathe with... I figured this way we get to bury im, but hell be able to stay alive awhile.

PRISONER (Muffled): I gotta move! I wanna take a piss!

MIKE: I get it. He'll die of starvation.

ANDY: Or we pull the plug and he drowns.

MIKE: Or the fish eat him.

PRISONER (Muffled from the helmet.): I wanna go home...

Andy unceremoniously PUSHES the wheelchair off the dock. Mike is SPLASHED in the face.

MIKE (Rubs his eyes.): Goddamn salt water.

Andy picks up the tubing left on the dock.

ANDY: The best part is that well be able to hear him.

Andy LISTENS, tube up to his ear. Mike pulls out a vial of EYE DROPS. He drops solution into his eye.

ANDY: You lose a contact?

MIKE: Naw... just burns...

ANDY: Man, no sound... no scream... Nothin. (Listens.) I dont think hes breathing anymore....

MIKE: Um... wonder what the deal is.

Mike takes the tube. He looks at it, moves it around, thinking.

ANDY: Ah, who cares. Let's go.

Andy tosses his cigarette off the dock.

MIKE: Whyd you do that?

ANDY: Do what?

MIKE: Youve got an ashtray back at the car. You could have carried it back there.

ANDY: Its bi-o-de-gradable, man.

MIKE: Fuck that. Its nasty looking at cigarette butts floating around everywhere. Washing up on shore...

Andy pulls his pack, tapping it. A cell phone rings. Mike answers it.

MIKE: Hello? (Listens.) Oh, hi, Sonny. (Listens.) Went well, I guess. (Listens.) No, we're cool. Andy's got a lot of life left tonight. Where are we going? (Listens.) Yeah, we actually went there for a party... or something... couple years back. I know a couple of his security from the old neighborhood. (Listens.) Are you sure? (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up. Pauses, mulling things over. Then, to Andy): The night isn't quite over. Sonny wants something else done... Something more personal...

ANDY: Man. I'm kinda tired.

MIKE: Sonny would like his boy to fully understand what an inconvenience hes become. Then make sure it doesnt happen again. Thinks hes fucking Hamlet.

ANDY: Sonny?

MIKE: No, Junior.

ANDY (Pause.): Who's Hamlet?

MIKE (Pause.): You are fucking kidding me. Who's Hamlet?!

ANDY: Seriously, why would I know who fucking Hamlet is?

MIKE: Didn't you see the movie? With that guy from Excalibur... the guy that played Merlin...

Andy just stares.

MIKE: Never mind... Hamlet arranged for the death of his stepfather, who was King. Because the stepfather had killed Hamlet's real father. (Pause.) Sonny thinks Junior is going to make his move. So he wants him... arranged.

ANDY: Arranged? So Sonny has arranged the death --

MIKE: Hamlet arranged the death of his stepfather. This is the opposite. Junior was not on the phone, Sonny was. Sonny's arranging the death of his son.

ANDY: Even though Hamlet arranged the death of his father.

MIKE: Stepfather. Well, more like stabbed him to death with a poisoned sword. Not arranged, really. Just stabbed.

ANDY: Man. So then Hamlet was King?

MIKE: Naw, he died from poison, too.

ANDY: Man. He shouldda known better. He shouldda been immune. (Pause.) Well, Junior isnt immune to bullets. Let's get this thing done so I can get some sleep.

MIKE (thinks a moment): My daughter... Kelly... has this book on dinosaurs... one of the... new ones that were so popular a couple years ago.

ANDY: What? Dinosaurs?

MIKE: They used to think those big ones... brontosaurs... only they aren't called brontosaurs anymore... they're called... ah... anyway... they used to think brontosaurs lived in swamps... swimming around... eating plants.

ANDY: But, man, I saw that movie. They weren't in swamps. They were like big fucking giraffes.

MIKE: Tall blondes... yeah. Yeah, that movie was right... because some science guy came along and figured out their neck works like a big snorkel.

Mike illustrates, using the tube he's holding.

MIKE: If this thing was standing at the bottom of the swamp, here... and his head was sticking out the top, here...

ANDY: Yeah.

MIKE: The difference in water pressure prevents it from breathing.

ANDY: Man... what?

MIKE: You know about water pressure, right?

ANDY: Water pressure?

MIKE: Yeah, water exerts pressure on things.

ANDY: Like, how my nose hurts if I go into the deep end of a swimming pool.

MIKE: Something like that.

Andy lights his cigarette.

MIKE: The pressure is normal up here (Motions.) at the surface.

ANDY: Okay, cool. Go on.

MIKE: Well, theres a lot more pressure here (Motions.) at the bottom. It can crush you. Thats why guys have to wear those big helmets in the first place.

ANDY: But he has the helmet on. Shouldnt that make him... immune or something?

MIKE: Yeah, but that pipe fucked him. It was like a snorkel. He couldn't breathe the air from up here (Motions.) because the pressure down here (Motions.), around his unprotected chest... crushed his lungs. (Pause.) You didn't get him the whole suit.

ANDY: Thats fucking cool, man. Its like hes suffocated on air. We gave him air and he choked on it.

MIKE: Yeah, whatever, I guess so.

ANDY: Ah, fuck you. So, whatre we going to tell Sonny?

MIKE: That you didnt know to use rope when you tied their tails together.

ANDY: Yeah, that's funny. You're a funny guy.

Mike drops the tube. Andy PUSHES it off the end of the dock with his FOOT. The men turn to exit.

ANDY: Did you ever get a dog to fetch M-80s?

MIKE: Those big firecrackers, right?

ANDY: Yeah, man, the next step up.

MIKE: I knew a guy that had a bag of those in his car... got them from the Indian res....

They walk off the dock. Andy flips his cigarette off the dock.