moya

Edited to add a warning for all the pointless bitching up ahead. Detour can be any button you press that will take you away from this mopey entry.


Quick update because it is 2 in the morning. Even though I've been sleeping since 8.. I'm actually feeling quite irate. The sleep was supposed to help minimize the irritation I felt earlier, apparently my self had other plans. I need to fucking punch someone right now.

I hate the position I'm in, yay for getting myself here and thinking it wouldn't be all that bad. But I'm honestly going to say I just wasted the past 4 months and the next 2. Of course, I'm feeling extremely impatient for things to be over, which will also be the end of my job. I'm planning on quitting just as summer hits. Then I'd like to be out of here, living in a cardboard box if need be.

I feel (a bit?) displaced here. Even in this house, things don't feel normal, probably because in the next month or two, my father is losing his job and my parents are thinking about relocating far away, it's almost like we're not here anymore. We all hate this town with a passion. But, their moving means my moving. They'd like to go far up north, near the Michigan border. They like it up there. Do I really want to go up there?

I really do have nothing here anymore. My friends have backstabbed me countless times, I'm such a sucker, going back for more, and although the majority of my family is here, we all seem to finally be starting to move around..Well, one cousin so far, but it's a start.. So, would anyone down here really give a shit if I moved 6 hours away and lived in the woods without much access to the world? Probably not.

For as few friends I've managed to make in this entire fucking state, I really don't feel like I'm a major influence on anyones life. Maybe it is time for me to leave for a bit and visit a dear friend whom I've been neglecting lately. I keep thinking big things (which aren't going to happen), but as it seems I've been chasing my tail in circles already, why not continue, just..in another place?

So, I'm just very bitchy and pissed and realizing the big pile of shit I've gotten myself into, which added on another slew of problems in my head that I couldn't afford. Or maybe I'm over-reacting and blind and selfish and stupid and yet again selfish, which is what I've been told repeatedly. Yay for being such a burden on everyone I seem to know.

I'm hating the fact I was brought up believing that I should be constantly praising and continuously thanking everyone for even noticing my existence. It's making me feel not really worth anyones time. Unfortunately, being treated the way I am/have been by the friends I seem to have in this town, I think things have taken their toll. I can't respond 'hi' to someone without thinking 'I just wasted your time, I'm so sorry..' and wanting to cry.

Also, I *might* not be around much in the next week or two; my parents bought some program that was supposed to clean up the computer; it made things worse, and half the time, we can't turn it off without flipping the switch (plus almost all web pages don't load, and this runs so slow, sometimes not even loading completely). I'm about to lose two years worth of everything I saved that meant something to me, and my remaining time on here is supposed to be used to save on disc whatever files this spy-ware shit didn't make unaccessible to me already. It's almost sad the entire past 2 years of my life is on this computer.

Of course, the computers failure was my fault in the first place, I'm told.

I'm tempted to delete this, but seeing as I can't save it to the computer, and deleting it and not having it anywhere else would drive me up the wall because I'm anal like that, I won't. Aren't you lucky. Or, actually, aren't I lucky.

Wow, was that a crapload, though. I think I might need to update again later, just so I don't have to see this pile. Hopefully everyone else is having a spectacular time. I'm going back to bed. Miss Cranky'n Pissed needs her beauty sleep.

And when I say I'm going to bed, I mean sitting here for another hour, doing nothing..