moya

So.. The trip to the campus was a disaster. Shit fucked up, we got confused, projects were done in the dark (we had no idea what to do and yet worked off of that somehow) and completely wrong, our independent projects, half of us didn't bother to do because there was no time, despite the fact we had an hour (don't ask). Eventually, someone in my group couldn't take it and cracked.. And just walked off, with half our work. We ran around the library/union(?) (food) like chickens with our heads chopped off. We sat and laughed about how screwed we were for our independent assignments, literally, our cheeks were so sore from the hysterics, for about an hour. Though, I got our slacking asses in gear, and last minute, we each finished our research. Almost.

I feel like a complete dumbass retard for something, but I can't say what, and I almost felt like crying on the way back for a moment. I felt stupid, and selfish, for what I had hoped to occur. Sometimes I set myself up, in the most hopeful of hopes, just to be disappointed, when I shouldn't be, because that thing was never going to have a chance to happen in the first place. I swear, I am my own worst enemy. A stupid one.

Today:


I was proud of myself for looking good. But, it didn't matter, so, eh. See that beautiful lady in that picture? She's going to be here all night, friday night, and probably saturday too, because there, for real, is nothing to do in this part of the state if you are under 21, and can't manage to make friends. I look nice for nothing. Yay.

Yea. I'm really feeling stupid. But this isn't the place to vent about it. So, today sucked, and I considered calling into work, so I could go in. I didn't and instead, here I am, being a loser. I suppose I could go watch some movies, and read tonight, or, the grand idea: Finish what I started at the campus library so I'm not up late sunday night doing it in tears. Funny how the one book resource that could have made this entire essay work for me, I could not rent, and due to being short on time, I read only a few words on a random page, and wrote them down in hopes of when I got to it, I'd understand what I meant. I'm hating myself for that one too. My fucking paper is ruined, and a failure. I can't wait to start it.

But, I am very, o so very excited to go there for real and live in dorms and such! I could be there right now. Right now. I'd be not sad that I'll have nothing to do tonight, because I'll for sure have already made friends and be booked for the weekend, every weekend. Not feeling *that* terribly lonely, because there would be talking on either sides of my walls, and even in my room, have I a roommate (I'm hoping not, though). No, no, I had to wait and save my money. Sometimes, being poor sucks. No, it sucks alot of the time.

I saw the building, and walked through it, where on March 25th, I'll be taking placement tests (that, hey! I could have taken last fall so I'd be there right now!). For the life of me, I can't remember how to get there, nor even which room I was put in. Damn damn damn. I also can't find ANY of my paperwork that I've recieved from that place. I keep it in a manilla envelope, and I can't find that for the life of me. It has my fricken ID number on it so I can log into the damn site and access my account that tells me what I'm supposed to do. Damn damn damn! I might not be having this problem had I gotten my ass in gear when I really should have. Damn.

I'm stressed. I'm alone. For a moment earlier, I couldn't have been happier to hold certain feelings for certain people, still. I can't understand that right now. Fuckin mood. Fuck you, uterus. Maybe I'll go take my hair down, nap, wake up at 9, eat, and go back to bed. I fucking hate weekends with a passion.

Monday, my movies are due to arrive! And I still haven't figured anything out to do for St. Patricks Day. I can't even invite myself to other peoples places (hello guilt, you're right, they really don't want me here, I just invited myself). And where the hell do I even go to find someone that I could possibly spend the 'holiday' night with (not like THAT, perverts.. ) having a grand time? Maybe my parents will let me drink some beer infront of the tv.

I'm tired and cranky. And god, do I need to stop writing.. I feel like I could go on forever.. Oh, and, if someones name went black..what does that mean??