moya

Goodbye 2005. You fucking cunt.

There were few good times, there were many terrible times. Hindsight tells me I was very dumb this past year. Mistakes I can't guarantee I won't do again.

I didn't go tonight because I woke up sick as a dog. I can't express how bummed I was. I made myself believe I was feeling better, I got dressed up, packed some stuff, and had my coat buttoned, and I just couldn't quite get out the door.

The first 15 minutes of my new year was sitting in a circle with Sara and Becki, asking a tiny magic 8-ball on the tip of a pen about aspects of our love lives this year. We smiled cheerfully and cracked jokes, but you could feel it in our small space that we were just tired, worn, cynical, each hurting a bit. We each had a man or two from 2005 to hate, and we did, out loud and in our heads. Kim and Aaron had said goodnight a few minutes before, so they could go to her room and celebrate their own way. We sat in silence.

I'm going to grow up to be a spinster. I'm not even going to get laid this year. Or so says magic 8 ball. I have better one-on-one talks with people when they are drunk and I'm sober; I get their true thoughts and feelings. I did tonight.

I don't do resolutions because I never keep them and the hope is never high enough. I suppose this year, all I want to do is apply what I've learned in the past 365 days. I made few friends and I'm not sure if I'll still have half them by next summer.

I'm sick of putting in effort where it's not being returned/is being abused/manipulated. I'm not going to get apologies.

The starts of my years are always better than the endings. Happy beginnings, sad endings. It's hard to go to bed when you don't care what the new year brings. I'm too young to feel this. As long as I live through the year again.

My account runs out in 6 days. I'm not sure if I'll renew. I guess we'll see.

ps. In the final hour of 2005, I did get two handfulls of boobs.