It looks like I'm not going to be eating much tonight. Well, I have some ice cream left in the freezer and some salt and pepper in my cabinet with old, old cereal, and water. I can't find my ID card for the cafeteria and I can't afford to pay full price for the food that makes me feel sick. The fucker is probably right under my nose, even after tearing this place apart. I really don't feel like caring anymore if I eat tonight or not. I've had to do it before.
And somehow, I manage to keep convincing myself I'm gaining weight like everyone else.
So. My roommate just left, and my next and last final isn't until wedneday morning. So I have two nights of pure nothingness ahead of me. I considered going home, then just taking a bus that morning and back, but I think that'll just be last resort. I'm not that pathetic that I can't come up with ways to entertain myself, alone, here, for two whole nights..
I bet we're thinking two very similar things right now, as to what I can do. I say similar because I'm just doing some wishful thinking. You are probably being rational.
Remember that Brain guy I mentioned who works down in the Emporium? My roommate and I saw him and his girlfriend walking out last night as we went..Partially for my sake..heh.
Great timing, eh? I think I'm losing interest in that, too. I just don't feel like I have the heart to put into it anymore. I wasn't trying to butt my way in or anything, I'm just..not interested in putting energy into the matter.
When I go home, I'll have some funerals to go to because people are dying right before the holidays, making my depression collide with guilt and overall sappiness. I feel so bad for these people, people who my parents work with, who are losing husbands, children days before this stupid holiday. Oh, wait, can I maybe buy you something to replace your husband of 25+ years, who was learning how to give you every single medication you needed through your equipment every 6 hours, how to take care of you completely, who was your only family left who was going to wait by your side during your stay in the hospital for the next year or two, through two surguries and health issues, spinal infections, kidney failure..Who was going to take care of you at home for the holiday so you could finally be together in your home.. Oh, is it okay if I write you a check instead?
This poor woman.. I don't even want to type out the whole story.
And a man my father used to work with, his daughter died, something with her brain.. She was in her late 20's or early 30's.
Can I buy you a latte?
I really have nothing else. I kind of feel like this is a wasted entry. I told myself I wouldn't make anymore entries when I was feeling sad/alone/depressed/etc.. Because the happy ones are so much better, and it makes it look like I have mood issues when I go back and forth.. I know, I do, there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm obviously just under shit tons of stress and ready to pull my hair out and claw my way up the wall and out of here
until my nails fall off. Okay, so those aren't exactly fingernail scratches, but google refused to give me any image of fingernail scratches, so this was the closest. Just pretend for me, okay? I'm surprised I haven't gone through my skin yet.
So, while looking for those lovely pictures for you all, I have creeped myself out, and since I'm here alone, I doubt I'll be sleeping easily, if at all, due to paranoia and fear. It's going to be a long night.
I also got sidetracked into other areas of the internet.. 
It's taken me about an hour and a half to write this. I've gone through many mood changes, and went from crying under my blankets to laughing hysterically at someones voicemail..Who called when I threw my tantrum, signed off, and refused to answer my phone a few times.. I just can't contain myself.
If I haven't exhausted myself by tomorrow night, maybe I'll actually feel like doing something productive.
Suggestions, anyone, for either night? Assume I'll be by myself the entire time. Studying for my final is out of the question.
Be creative.
And somehow, I manage to keep convincing myself I'm gaining weight like everyone else.
So. My roommate just left, and my next and last final isn't until wedneday morning. So I have two nights of pure nothingness ahead of me. I considered going home, then just taking a bus that morning and back, but I think that'll just be last resort. I'm not that pathetic that I can't come up with ways to entertain myself, alone, here, for two whole nights..
I bet we're thinking two very similar things right now, as to what I can do. I say similar because I'm just doing some wishful thinking. You are probably being rational.
Remember that Brain guy I mentioned who works down in the Emporium? My roommate and I saw him and his girlfriend walking out last night as we went..Partially for my sake..heh.
Great timing, eh? I think I'm losing interest in that, too. I just don't feel like I have the heart to put into it anymore. I wasn't trying to butt my way in or anything, I'm just..not interested in putting energy into the matter.
When I go home, I'll have some funerals to go to because people are dying right before the holidays, making my depression collide with guilt and overall sappiness. I feel so bad for these people, people who my parents work with, who are losing husbands, children days before this stupid holiday. Oh, wait, can I maybe buy you something to replace your husband of 25+ years, who was learning how to give you every single medication you needed through your equipment every 6 hours, how to take care of you completely, who was your only family left who was going to wait by your side during your stay in the hospital for the next year or two, through two surguries and health issues, spinal infections, kidney failure..Who was going to take care of you at home for the holiday so you could finally be together in your home.. Oh, is it okay if I write you a check instead?
This poor woman.. I don't even want to type out the whole story.
And a man my father used to work with, his daughter died, something with her brain.. She was in her late 20's or early 30's.
Can I buy you a latte?
I really have nothing else. I kind of feel like this is a wasted entry. I told myself I wouldn't make anymore entries when I was feeling sad/alone/depressed/etc.. Because the happy ones are so much better, and it makes it look like I have mood issues when I go back and forth..
I know, I do, there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm obviously just under shit tons of stress and ready to pull my hair out and claw my way up the wall and out of here
until my nails fall off. Okay, so those aren't exactly fingernail scratches, but google refused to give me any image of fingernail scratches, so this was the closest. Just pretend for me, okay? I'm surprised I haven't gone through my skin yet.
So, while looking for those lovely pictures for you all, I have creeped myself out, and since I'm here alone, I doubt I'll be sleeping easily, if at all, due to paranoia and fear. It's going to be a long night.
I also got sidetracked into other areas of the internet..
It's taken me about an hour and a half to write this. I've gone through many mood changes, and went from crying under my blankets to laughing hysterically at someones voicemail..Who called when I threw my tantrum, signed off, and refused to answer my phone a few times..
I just can't contain myself.
If I haven't exhausted myself by tomorrow night, maybe I'll actually feel like doing something productive.
Suggestions, anyone, for either night? Assume I'll be by myself the entire time. Studying for my final is out of the question.
Be creative.
Edited to add: How many states have you had sex in? You can tell me.. 
I'm only at one.. 
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
alpo:
Holidays suck... I don't have anything constructive to say.
alpo:
Wow, I thought my term ran long. All my friends were out of school weeks ago, and I just finished this past Friday. Good luck on that last final, then! 
Wow, I thought my term ran long. All my friends were out of school weeks ago, and I just finished this past Friday. Good luck on that last final, then!