motherchaos

Well, I think I now know why I have been unmotivated and tired....the flu has finally struck full bore. Fever, aches, headache, tummy....*sigh* no fair. And when I am sick, I find that I become a rather needy soul I spent yesterday berating myself for bugging a good friend too much while he was studying... he did end up snapping at me, but I deserved it. And then I got to worrying that I upset another friend by stepping in and advising another person in a different way than she was (that turned out okay...I did talk with her).....Ah well...
That got me to thinking though about identity and how we are labeled and perceived by others outside of ourselves... For example: When you have kids, you in a way cease to be "you" and you instead become "Genni's Mom". I was waiting for my kids at an activity, and there were about 12 parents waiting with me. We got to chatting and then introduced ourselves. About ten minutes later, one of the parents went' "wait a minute, let's try that again! Hi, I'm Tom!"...we then realized that we had gone around the whole circle and introduced ourselves by matching ourselves to our kids. We hadn't mentioned our names once.
It is the same in many other types of activities. I am a Boy Scout commitiee member for my sons' troop, and a Brownie leader for my daughter's troop. I never hear from the other parents unless I am needed for a scout activity or they have scout questions. Mind you, some of these parents were my friends before they joined scouts, go figure. It just gets me when they talk at the meetings about the get-together (movie, swim party etc) they had outside the meeting that I didn't even know about let alone got invited to. Granted, not all the parents are included either, but sometimes I just get to feeling pretty non-existent. I try to be a good leader at least. That has to count for something since nobody seems to be complaining.
I am also involved in the SCA (a medieval historical group for those of you who don't know what that is...) and in the group I am the local branch's "Baroness". I'm not the true leader of the group (the amazing gal who handles the paperwork is), but I am the figurehead of sorts and do have some power to get things done with the royals above me. I sometimes feel that the only time my friends within the group contact me is when they need something SCA oriented. Is that my only identity for them? I also find that even though my Husband is the "Baron", he is held to less exacting standards than I am. Not fair but, unfortunately, understandable since I am the one that tends to be the "worker bee" while he is the "grasshopper" We do balance each other out though. It would just be nice to change places every now and then.
So, when I really got to looking at my relationships yesterday, I realized that I tend to do the reaching out for most things, whether it be getting an SCA event put together or arranging to go to a movie with my friends. I cannot truly point out the last time I was not the instigator of an activity that I was included in. What does that say about me? *SIGH* Like I said before...feeling needy.
My Husband has been a great sounding board for this, which is a good thing. He did say that it wasn't all in my head, which made me feel better and worse at the same time. He did say that I should stop reaching out all the time since I seem to get "slapped" back often, mostly when I am not "needed" for anything. I spent all last weekend at home alone with my kids, and the only soul I heard from was my Hubby (who was in Anchorage). I honestly don't think anyone even noticed my absence from our local fighter practice. I'm not a fighter, so it doesn't matter if I am there or not I guess...
Does anyone else find themselves struggling to keep an identity for themselves? Do you find that "what" you are and "who" you are changes depending on where you are? Do you ever feel as if your friends are liking you for what you are for them and not for who you Really are? I have so many masks here in town that I sometimes think I have lost the real face underneath. I think that is why I treasure here so much, especially the PSW group. I get to be me and only me.... Thanks for the pick me ups....you have no idea how much they help sometimes
Enough whining...time for more ibuprofen and some hot tea....*sniffle*