moonrabbit

Well it's angst time again. That time when all those uncertainties that are fun to dwell on in my imagination become certain, and I am forced to deal with just how depressing things really are.

It feels kind of like a chapter came to an end last night.
A bunch of poeple came over, we hung out and were merry, I was dressed like a metalhead as usual, we decided to go get snacks from the store, so I put on my chainmail under my leather jacket, had my hair down, Looked really cool/scarry.
We got ice cream, sparkling grape juice and octopus salad.
Took pictures of each other with tentacles hanging out of our mouths.
I got a bottle of Sunny D lemonade and mixed some Vodka into it, smelled just like Mr. Clean and tasted pretty much like I imagine Mr. Clean would taste.
We watched Spirited Away.

We invented a new way of snacking. A little something I like to call Ravenouse Doggy Style.
Between all six of us digging into a communal tub of octopus salad, tub of ice cream, the plate of coffee cake, and the plate of chicken fingers. Every time I put something new out I'd just grab a bunch of forks or spoons and say, 'I'll just set it on the table and we'll go at it like ravenouse dogs'
Eventualy the phraze 'Ravenouse Doggy Style" Was coined.

Sarita and I sat on the couch, being verry cuddly, I had the dragon goblets out for the grape juice, had a couple glasses from the bottle of wine mom had opened earlier, then just started drinking from the bottle like a sleazy frenchman. Passing it to 'Zar'(Sarita) now and then.

Everybody left, Zar for some reason refused a ride home to stay with me a bit longer. I wasn't sure what she was thinking because it's a recepe for disaster every time we're alone.
I'm not sure if she was trying to accomplish anything but prove we could keep from kissing.
I think she wanted to see if we were capable of intelligent conversation in each other's presence.
I know we are, but if we prove that. What's it going to accomplish other than validating the relationship as something more than just a physical attraction?

It felt like everything came to a conclusion when I said I didn't want to hurt her.
Her reply was 'I don't want to hurt you, but I think it's too late.'

It becomes easy to forget about yourself when you get so caught up in trying to make sure the other person doesn't get hurt.
The rest is kind of fuzzy, we held, I was crying. I remember telling her a couple times not to worry about me.

All day today I've felt like that's over, it's the end to all the tension, the urges, fantasies.
I've mostly sat around watching movies, tried some stuff with my jewelery but my little expiriment failed partialy.

I'm debating weather or not I want to go to Anime North now... I have to make my costume still, mom's graduation conflicts with it too. I couldn't get all that time off, and afford both.
I just don't know why I'd be going. Not sure I'd be enjoying the company for the same reasons. And I kind of want to move on and not have anything to do with it.
Just for now.

I got a bit of ego back a little while ago. I was talking to my friend Kevin who's in boston visiting his girlfriend who's got a placement with a cousin of his who does something for a record company. I don't know all the details. He tells me about being within arms length of all these musicians all the time.
Anyway. He was telling me about how they found me a couple 'crack hats' at some army surplus stores down there. Just the Duo Maxwell style fatigue caps I always wear but in a british DPM pattern and a Midnight Tigerstripe pattern. He said he found a midnight tiger BDU top bit it was too big. He's gonna keep an eye out for one my size. Then I'd have the full uniform.

What kind of made my day was when he said I'm his girlfriend's favorite 'Kevin Friend'.
Made me feel all gooshy inside.

I seem to be able to grab the attention of alot of girls.
But for one reason or another it just can't work...
Not that I have thoughts towards Kevin's girlfriend.
Oh she's cute. But any girl who currently has a boyfriend isn't getting a second glance from me.
It really really sucks being 'the other man'
It might be an ego trip, having a girl want to leave her boyfriend to be with you, obviously you've gotta have something better to offer. But in reality if she's any kind of a decent person who you'll be able to trust, she's going to be too decent to leave her boyfriend for you, or she'll end up remembering what she used to feel for him.
Or whatever! I can see it happening again so I won't let it.
It hurts like a bitch.

Mom's gone back to NYC... I hardly saw her at all this weekend. Turns out she's not back for good until June. But her boyfriend might be moving in sooner. Which is fine. But I might get a chance for one more party after this next one.

It's garbage night. I better get everything out then get to bed, work tomorrow.
I haven't showered all day.. all smelly and icky...
Mmph...

Angst angst angst....