monument

You go so deep into a universe of water, up is also down and left is also right. But the worst is you can't drown, simply gasp for an endless supply of air that never really seems to come, but suffices anyway. Thoughts criss-cross so many times they become the other, so many analogies and alternate trails are imaginatively drawn out they exhaust every particle in the brain. 'What if I did this? What if she had done that, or instead done something else?' Even something so minute as turning left on a street that we were supposed to go right on would've changed the entire universe. Even maybe a slight slip in the foot on the gas at the right time and I would've died with them, or they would have all lived and I would've died.
Every time you come to whether some God choose you or not, you're simply left with an open, gaping hole that you can't truly venture down. You can cover that hole with falsities, ignore logic and reason as best you can, but you can never solve the question. That hole is here to stay.
I see her at my most mundane. Sarah comes to me, in a fictitious vision while I'm standing in line, my senses set off sometimes by something relevant, sometimes simply by chance. By the own fate of my brain and mind, it wanders back into that dark corner even though I've told it not to go there an infinite amount of times.
When it fades, the memories, the smells, the sounds - the mind tries to reco-operate, thinking it needs to bring this back to your forefront. It goes digging in the attic, and sometimes finds an old picture you've completely forgotten about but neglected to throw away.
Sarah is in my dreams. The most beautiful nightmares I wish to never wake from. Left in my bed, pitch black, the middle of the night, and nothing but thoughts and dreams weaving all over. It becomes everything and anything you are, the way you look at a setting sun, or watch an animal in its simplicity. The way you enjoy a good laugh. You start to remember her when you're most happy, if only to know just how far your feet are from the ground.
You want to forget, but at the same time you know you don't. This is you, and is you now, so in essence you are it, every detail of this horrific accident is running through you, living through you, looking, lost, just like you. It's looking for a reason it will never find so it simply holds onto you so long that you really do become one.
And that, that is what will allow you to sleep at night.
Getting up in the morning is the next battle, and one you will do everyday and every night for the rest of your life until you join her somewhere only death knows of.