monsterjoe

Fall is my favorite time of the year. I was wondering about that and about myself as I walked under red and yellow leaves on campus today. It would seem that if it was my favorite time of the year then I should be happy walking under trees and smelling the air, and to be sure I smiled some, but I don't know that I was happy. In fact, for much of the time I was sad. Why? And why call something that makes me sad my favorite? Fall makes me feel old. When I was a teenager it made me feel old.

Fall makes me remember, and memories are beautiful and sad. Tolkien wrote something to that effect - that sorrow makes things or lends people a certain beauty. Who has looked at a sad face and not loved it? There's also a Bluegrass song called "Memories that Bless and Burn" that I guess somes up the feelings that I have.

It could be that Fall is the biggest seasonal change here in Sac. and so becomes a big cue for age. Whatever, I just know that looking through those dieing leaves always makes me think of the past; of loved ones, lovers, friends, and moments that are all gone. The memories themselves aren't always sad. In fact today I kept thinking about an old home movie my mom has of me and my sister playing outside in the yard. I was 4, maybe 5 and big sister had raked all the leaves in the yard into a pile, and Moma filmed Kim and I as we jumped in it. That memory itself is happy and funny, it's the fact that big sister has been dead ten years now that makes it sad. Remembering that moment and feeling sad because I love her and miss her is what makes it beautiful I suppose. And I guess beautiful memories like that are why Fall is my favorite - sad and everything.