Reflections and Regrets
At 31 I've done quite a bit. I've been to three continents, fallen in love and out, held quite a few jobs, and had my successes and failures.
There are really just two things that occupy my mind constantly. They are the question of God, and the search for a mate.
The idea of the Judeochristian God is a very compelling one. I can not imagine more bliss than to have an almighty being who loves me just because I exist. The promises made in the Bible are astounding. God will live with us and make things right. With Him there will be no sorrow, strife, or tears. If any one gets a chance read Lewis' "The Great Divorce." My idea of heaven has not been the same since I read that book. Like I said, it's a very compelling notion, but I just don't whole heartedly believe it. I have little to no faith in the existence of a higher power of any sort. I WANT there to be a God, but I cannot convince myself that He exists.
I was at a strip joint at one point this evening cellebrating my birthday. I enjoy naked women much as I imagine any other hetero male does, but being there tonight reminded me of all the beautiful women who have come and gone out of my life in the last 13 years. I tell you I have thrown good love away with both hands for the most selfish reasons. I have had gorgeous women love me, but I have only ever reciprocated once and that is long ago now. Early in my life it was my own lack of confidence and experience that kept me from getting women to love me. Now, getting them to love me isn't the problem. I have become jaded. I see too much. My heart of hearts is hard, even though I'm kind enough on the surface.
I dunno. I'm not one to live in my regrets anymore. I'm not aware of any real anxiety over where I am in life right now. I tend to be very laid back and I think it serves me well in most instances. I just keep on keeping on. If there is a God I will know it for sure one day. If there is a soulmate out there for me I will find her eventually. Until then...
At 31 I've done quite a bit. I've been to three continents, fallen in love and out, held quite a few jobs, and had my successes and failures.
There are really just two things that occupy my mind constantly. They are the question of God, and the search for a mate.
The idea of the Judeochristian God is a very compelling one. I can not imagine more bliss than to have an almighty being who loves me just because I exist. The promises made in the Bible are astounding. God will live with us and make things right. With Him there will be no sorrow, strife, or tears. If any one gets a chance read Lewis' "The Great Divorce." My idea of heaven has not been the same since I read that book. Like I said, it's a very compelling notion, but I just don't whole heartedly believe it. I have little to no faith in the existence of a higher power of any sort. I WANT there to be a God, but I cannot convince myself that He exists.
I was at a strip joint at one point this evening cellebrating my birthday. I enjoy naked women much as I imagine any other hetero male does, but being there tonight reminded me of all the beautiful women who have come and gone out of my life in the last 13 years. I tell you I have thrown good love away with both hands for the most selfish reasons. I have had gorgeous women love me, but I have only ever reciprocated once and that is long ago now. Early in my life it was my own lack of confidence and experience that kept me from getting women to love me. Now, getting them to love me isn't the problem. I have become jaded. I see too much. My heart of hearts is hard, even though I'm kind enough on the surface.
I dunno. I'm not one to live in my regrets anymore. I'm not aware of any real anxiety over where I am in life right now. I tend to be very laid back and I think it serves me well in most instances. I just keep on keeping on. If there is a God I will know it for sure one day. If there is a soulmate out there for me I will find her eventually. Until then...
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
happy belated birthday!
about the god thing. i can only tell ya how i feel. heaven and hell are total christian conceived ideas. Im not christian i dont believe in either. do i believe in an afterlife? sure. but i also believe in reincarnation. i tend to follow the Tao Te Ching, which i guess would make me a buddhist, but not really. I totally believe everything i do, has a reprecussion on everything else. I also believe that I am my own god, that way I am the only person i can blame if something messes up.
Good and Evil are also contradictions, one must exist in order for the other to, and they are also dependent on one another. We have to have a concept of good in order to have a concept of evil, no?
Love is a different thing. I dunno, i always tend to find, that I find love, when i look for it least.
I regret being insecure and letting good ones get away, but then I am with the best one ive ever been with, and he adores me, and i let him in. ya know?
You always want what you cant have, when you get it, its not what you want, and if youre looking you wont find it.
but thats just my twisted thoughts on love.
remember love finds you. the question is why dont you allow yourself to show affection?
well anyway..... happy bunny rocks... i love him.
that is hilarious about the happy bunny where you work!
have fun! take care...and im adding ya to my friends list...i like your journal
be well my brother
and if I hadnt said it in a while thank you for the job you do.