monovox

Being creative on demand... all day. for others. What do I have left for myself? I often daydream envy the bricklayer and other craftsmen that can just know their job and do it with care, one brick after the next. pick up brick, butter the brick, position the brick, settle the brick and repeat. I want to believe that I could leave that at the door when I left and have my creativity all for myself. I know that I would have other things that would make it difficult, difficult bosses, insane coworkers, etc. But it wouldn't be creating everything from scratch...everyday. *sigh*

I sat last night mixing oil colors for the first time in a very long time, I had pulled an old canvas and was contemplating reworking it... well I guess that I had never finished it. I just wasn't in the right head space to be creative for myself. I went through the motions though. Squeezing out the paint on the glass palette, adding the medium, tinting it, loading up the brush.

Breathing in the linseed fumes like it is life, I started applying... I have to put one foot in front of the other. So I wiped it all down and started again. Then wiped it all down again and repeat...

I guess that I feel right now that if I have to go through this for weeks, then that is what I have to do. Sometime next week or the week after that I will be in the space and be prepared to capture it. But tonight, after giving it up for anyone that will pay all day. I will go home and try to eek out a little for myself. And probably wipe and repeat. I don't think think that I really have a choice.