monovox

It's like this: I am losing my fucking mind.

Not all the time though... just at the most inopportune times. Like right now. why else would I be writing this?

I made a pact with myself before the new year to go off of the antidepressants that I had very reluctantly gone on a year and a half ago when I was splitting with my ex wife. Going on them ended up saving all of the rest of the responsibility balls that I was juggling, so I guess that that was good... It was like putting my psyche in intensive care, I was really super fucked up and it made it so I could deal. That was good. I'm still fucking here, so I guess that it did it's job.

But now I am left with the legacy of the fucking drug. I went off it a little over a week before new years. I knew that I had to get off it. I desperately needed to get myself back. I need to really 'feel' again. The drug was good for what I initially needed for, but now it was atrophying something at my core that I refuse to give up. The first week was fine. In fact, so much of 'me' was coming back that I was exuberant about what I was doing. But in the last 4-5 days, things have gotten bad. I seem to be OK in the mornings, but by around 3-4 in the afternoon I feel so overwhelmed that I am physically sick. Everyone at work is freaked out... they really depend on my stability.

I am really struggling. And it's really hard for me to admit that. I am sure that I will come through this fine, but right now I feel utterly alone. My pups don't even comfort me right now.

If your reading this, thanks for putting up with my crap. I'm a pretty big buzzkill. Right now i have a bottle of chianti and a warm bed cocoon that needs me... got's to go