monovox

Depression is something that I have dealt with my whole life, but I have a hard time admitting to myself when I am in the midst of.

Throughout my life, I have always had to be the strong one and it is hard to break that, even when it is no longer true. Unfortunately, it is usually at a breaking point before I can look in the mirror and say; "yes, this is depression". It really sucks.

On the up side, when I can look it square in the eyes I usually really admit and identify it, I have something that I can act on. I can size it up and act on it. I just wish that I could get to that place sooner...

I really wish that it didn't have to get to this point. It effects everyone around me. the people that I love and care about the most. I just have to trust that our relationships are strong enough to weather it and that they understand. It sucks and isn't fair to anyone involved... but it is my reality. For the longest time I couldn't even admit that that 'it' had this kind of power over me...that anything could have this kind of power over me. i am stronger than 'it', right? Just saying that out loud, sounds like some kind of proud male macho bullshit, but it is where I go when I am slipping deeper into it... denial and some kind of hope that I can pull out of it before it gets to bad.

The last time I was really deep in it was about six years ago... I was in the midst of a divorce from a marriage that i had given my all to. More than my all really, because I was left with nothing left of myself. In an effort to 'save' the relationship I had given up so much of myself that I didn't have anything left for myself. All the while I was also trying to run a business that was to the point of running me more than I was running it. Sounds depressing doesn't it.

I ended up at a breaking point before I could admit (and this will sound like semantics) that it wasn't that it was depressing, but that I was severely depressed... I was suffering from depression. somehow that admission was so hard for me. I ended up trying therapy and after much (MUCH) trepidation and coaxing, I went on anti-depressants. It was so hard to let go and trust that I was at a point that I couldn't pull out of it out of shear strength of will. I was broken by it.

Fortunately, the anti-depressants helped with the situation in the short term.... they numbed me to it and made everything sort of ok. Unfortunately, it took everything that I held dear, my creativity (I am an artist by trade and life) was gone, and it stole from me my deep intuition.

I felt ok... but I just didn't care or not care. I was numb and indifferent, I just couldn't feel anything...after a year I just couldn't live like that anymore. those things were just to dear to me. I went off the drugs and found that I was at a point that I could effect it on my own.

I certainly am not at the point that I was then. I have learned to identify it better and while I could do better about it, I am much better about handling it. (tell that to those around me that have to watch it or feel the effects of it...)

Anyways, this is a long winded blog trying to get out that I think that I have a grasp on it and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I can really identify it and see it, I can act on it rather than be tossed about in the vast sea of it.

Things are getting better, I can feel it. and more to the point, I am taking the reins to make it so. And that is a very good feeling.