monovox

I sit here intensely and overwhelmingly sad.

I spent the night on another date that reminds me how sad and lonely most people in this world truly are. I wanted to reach out and affect this for this person, only to realize that I am not much better. I have nothing but empathy to give her.

later, I broke down... sitting on my porch, empathy and tears for this person, but far more so for my last relationship that I didn't have the power to open myself up to remember what love truly is...no matter how much I wanted to. To find more than the crumb that I was able to muster for my beautiful sweet friend that deserves the world...far more than I could ever give her. Am I really this barren wasteland that has no fertile ground?

How sad. truely. I hear my ex's words constantly; that she wished she could have met me before I had been so damaged... I think that in my self preservation I really didn't realize how emotionally detached... I wish that I could go back to that place, when I was open and full of optimism and overflowing with love to give. so long ago, before it was stamped into the earth again and again. I have seen so much darkness... I wish that she could have experienced even a modicum of the depth of what I was once capable of... why can't I?

tonight this new woman talked about dying alone and cats and betrayal and how a woman her age has no real hope for lasting love... I couldn't understand how someone could be so young and feel so set apart and damaged. Oh, what mirrors the universe holds up for us.

Are we all so damaged and disillusioned? I don't remember feeling so alone as I do in this moment for a very long time.