monksta

i am not some snob that pulls apart the strings that tie you together,
basing my entire life on some collection of dusty records that no one
has heard about, felt, been through

i am a mini-series, a very badly cancelled one,
that get's rehashed and brought back on some other network.

i am a pop song, sung at the right time, for the right kiss, for the right
moment, good or bad.

i have no meaning, no worth, no force inside of me, and yet i do.

a juxtaposition, a metaphor, i am all of these and more,
but mostly i am just an elder statesman of a generation frightened at moving on.

i am a writer, a dreamer, a romantic, and a selfish demanding person,
a heart thrown against every brick wall, and a head that over analyzes
the most minute thing.

i want a fairytale, i want love in a bottle, i want that season ending episode of dawson's creek, of my so called life, or every over the top overdrawn sitcom that airs on the WB, and i don't want the aftermath or the next season, i just want
the high note, the end, the perfect song, the fade away, the credits.

i am consumed and succumbed with fear and fright and every other word that demands to be mentioned that holds one back from romancing the night away, and yet, i still can peek at clouds and see the sun stream through and smile and know that
this year, or next year, or tomorrow holds something worth going on for.

a candle, a flame, and the wind can snuff me out, but waterproof matches provide wonders when you are having that trouble.

i am your summer and fall and winter and spring, and i'm every month wrapped into a blanket of overpouring over-achieving, over-thinking, over-loving thought and feeling that i fall apart as easily as a book with bad binding.

i am in love with everything around me and everything in existence, and yet my perception is so geared to everyone else i fail to even notice me, and maybe,
i am finally starting to see myself in a new light, with no mirror needed

as a boy who is emotionally confused, who is intellectually skewed, who is romantically flawed, and yet everyone is.

we all are some character in some pilot somewhere, and no matter how bad it gets, i think i will have my movie moment, my one episode with great songs,

and in the meantime, i'll spew my worries and regrets and loves and heart out, and just let you soak in everything i could possibly ever offer, be, dream, feel

and let you make your judgements and your decisions
and feel perfectly fine with the good and bad

because i finally for the first time, am starting to feel free of this
rerun, rerun, rerun syndrome i've been leading myself into.

life is a cliche, i am a cliche, perhaps everyone is a cliche, but cliche's just don't seem that bad anymore,
and letting the air touch your skin to some ho-hum dumb pop song seems just as good to me as listening to the best underground music no one has heard with your best friend.

---

i need new friends, i need conversation, i need people that are too far away, that i can fall apart and open up, and drift into never never land with, because even though peter pan grew up and got old, he still remembered his imagination and the fun he had.

i hope you are doing well in springfield and i miss you dearly, and you in california, a state far too far away, for us to be neighbors, i want the west to fall apart and reposition, so i can be as cliched and trivial and climb in through your window or knock on your door, or sleep in your closet...

and everyone else.... i just want to have a big couch and some great movies and have burnt popcorn and be there... in the moment... with you all....

you'll never know
just how much
you mean to me

and if you do, then know that the hurt i have, the sadness i feel, the melancholy that is my life, is offset and combatted by the sheer amount of happiness you bring,
much as my heart and head are two separate entities trying to figure out how to work together,

you are just a reason for me to smile

i am a mini-series, a cancelled, bad, overdrawn, horrible dialogue mini-series,
and i wouldn't have it any other way
because at least i feel for the first time that an audience is listening
and feeling, and wondering
and waiting for the next episode to come

and i'm more than ready to give it to them now.