This week I’ve mostly been constructing a secret underground lair. I was inspired by Rick and Morty, if one old man can singlehandedly build a futuristic lab under his garage surely it can’t be that hard? Boy was I wrong!
After my neighbors garden collapsed into a 20ft deep hole I’d dug underneath, I thought it best to cover my tracks and call the police...
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Want a band name? Rent one below, satisfaction guaranteed or your money burned in front of your eyes you ungrateful shit!
current names available:
The Quim Troublers
Adventures In Cat Faeces
Squalid Beast Wagon
Yogurt Farm Massacre
Night Squirm
The Brakial Squat Collective
Twat Testers
The Knight is Jung
Howl As I Moon
Gobblers Knob
Torn Apart by Tiny Dogs
The Withered Dicks
Lobster Sabbatical...
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Once upon a time there was a land much like your own, the air was familiar as were the buildings.
This land was bountiful with the fruits of the earth and no one went hungry, the people celebrated the harvest with joyful festivals on long summer nights, the warm breeze embracing the swirling dancers.
For many years the people were happy and wanted for nothing,...
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Bonsai! That’s what I shout when i streak through my neighbors garden at 4am. I’m often naked or just wearing a small knitted scarf.
My favorite word is ‘planetoftheapes’ but I often use it out of context, like ‘ have you ever been to planetoftheapes?’
I once shaved my testicles so smooth my underwear kept falling off through lack of friction.
I can recite the...
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Here are some interesting facts about me and my life, I hope you enjoy! Feel free to ask questions in the comments
1) my favourite smells are wood preserve, the tears of a clown and pirates
2) I don’t eat food but absorb energy by touching overhead power cables.
3) I was once found smouldering in a ditch after touching overhead power cables.
4) I...
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Good evening apocalypse dwellers. Have you ever been in chased by a pack of shuffling zombies and wondered too late how you could have disguised your presence from them before being torn apart and eaten alive?....no you haven’t.
Here are some tips for urban/rural camouflage to hide from the IRS or pesky neighbors after setting their car on fire.
Go to a hardware store and...
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I love it when a plan comes together or whatever.
This week I thought my house had been invaded by unseen evil entities as my collection of miniature golf paraphernalia appeared to be moving of its own volition.
I have set up cameras in every room to catch them in the act but so far have only got footage of my cat playing with his...
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I’ve been digging a tunnel from my living room to the warehouse of my local shop. Nothing sinister you understand I just don’t like paying for food.
I think my neighbors Mr and Mrs Jones are getting suspicious as the mound of earth in my back yard is now 40ft high and the second largest man made structure in my neighborhood.
I’ve taken to digging...
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I like many artists am unappreciated in my own time, much like Lovecraft or The Beatles, unloved and unheard of until death.
I will continue to plough my lone furrow, writing some of the most powerful poetry this earth and possibly universe has, and probably will ever see.
Today I’ve decided to write about a topic many of us are currently concerned about, the likely...
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Although I lurk in darkness and refuse to go out in the sun I’m in fact just a human that doesn’t tan well.
This next short poem however is about the most famous vampire of all time, Count Chocula!
Begins
Pour on the milk he’s lurking around, covered in chocolate with the nose of a hound
He’s coming to get you, there’s nowhere to run,...
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