Just to be clear I have never murdered another human being or a monkey dressed like a chef. I have however been knocked unconscious by an air hockey puck whilst eating spaghetti at Chucky Cheese.

If you want to commit your first murder you’ve come to the right place. This is the next instalment in my hugely popular beginners guides ( one of them got almost 2 likes!)

1) victim selection - this is important, always choose someone stronger, smarter and faster than you….no wait is that right?

2) weapon of choice - choose your murder weapon carefully, I prefer (in theory) poison blow darts, silent but deadly. I learnt this trick from a pigmy warrior in the Sudan. What could be less suspicious than carrying a 3 ft long bamboo pipe, a poison frog and a bag full of thorn darts whilst dressed in a floral kaftan.

3) body disposal - this is down to personal choice, i prefer to feed it to squirrels as they can eat a body in less than 5 minutes, or is that piranhas? I always get them mixed up.

well I hope that was useful for all the budding serial killers out there. I won’t be around for a while as I’m wanted by the police for a non murder related issue, my neighbor repeatedly ran face first into my baseball bat and rather than arrest him for destruction of property after my bat was broken they want to speak to me for some reason, unbelievable!

Toodlepip

Monkeytable