Good morning to you! My last blog gave useful advice on staying alive in a forest/ woodland/garden with a few trees. Today I will talk about the fundamentals of exercise.

1. Warm up - this is very important, make sure you stretch properly. I do this by hanging from a fourth floor balcony for as long as possible, make sure you don’t plummet to your death by ensuring there are passerby’s that can break your fall!

2. Cardio - if you are lucky enough to have a special partner a good form of cardio is bumping uglies, going heels to Jesus, porking, banging, making the beast with two backs, a bit of the old in out in out, plunging clunge, rumpy pumpy, rooting, shagging. Shampooing the wookie…. what were we talking about again?

3. Weight training - as a sculpted Adonis I find that maintaining peak physical perfection can only be achieved through lifting and pushing heavy things. Once I managed to carry 2 bags of groceries all the way home without stopping! For an amateur I suggest something easier. Stand on a shovel holding the handle and lift yourself off the ground, 3 x 10 reps is a good start.

3. Nutrition - food is important, when exercising there is no limit to the number of calories you should consume, I find eating deep fried burgers wrapped in pizza slices the best, add bacon to taste.

4. Sports - I am very fond of moving a ball with my foot and poking it into a fishing net tied between poles. Other examples are touching a ball with a stick and running around a rhombus, touching a ball with a stick into a hole outdoors, touching colored balls with a stick into holes indoors, almost exclusively touching a ball with your hands, I call this ‘football’.

well I hope that was of some use, please use this guide responsibly, I’m more than happy to organise one on one training especially cardio.

Toodle pip

Monkeytable