Good evening to you. As a survival expert I thought it my moral duty to share some of my potentially life saving techniques if you ever find yourself shitting it in a wood/forest/parkland with a few bushes.
1. Water - if in a group split up and wander from the main path, this is where you will find water. I did this and was found 6 days later delirious and drinking my own piss. The point is ‘I was found’ my group was never seen again. Did I find water? No, but I could have done!
2. Shelter - the best place to take shelter is to dig a big pit in the ground and cover it with branches, sleeping at the bottom. I did this and a mountain lion fell through in the night. A fight ensued and I was ravaged, eventually subduing the beast by strangling it with its own tail. Another time I almost drowned as the pit filled with water in a heavy rain storm. I have tried other shelters but they always ended in disaster!
3. Food - I find that gathering nuts and berries is the easiest way to provide much needed nutrition. I did this and was immediately set on by squirrels that ravaged me, I managed to negotiate with the leader who let me leave after giving them an erotic dance!
4. Fire - it is essential for warmth, I usually carry a backpack containing 10 gallons of high grade jet fuel. I use this for easy ignition of any wood I’ve gathered. When I last did this I blew a crater in the ground so big when I lit it that it can be seen from my mums house 600 miles away!
well I hope this has been informative and not a load of old bollocks. As usual leave a comment below about how incredibly interesting you found it.
Toodle loo
Monkeytable
