i know this sounds like a joke, so i dont often go telling this story cuz its kinda hard to explain. and it really puts me in a bad light, but im drunk right now and im worried...
i have two major fears that have been nagging at me for quite a few years now. im not exactly sure what this says about me - but here it goes.
1. i fear that some day i will end up a homless junkie.
this is my biggest fear and its plagued me since high school. im not a junkie now nor do i ever intend on becoming one. but still the idea worries me. so much so that lately when i see homeless people - i start to become agitated. this is completely irrational i know. but some how i resent them for exemplifiying that that lifestyle is possible. i know that given the option, most of the homeless junkies would rather not be - and i ultimately feel bad for being aggitated. but still it would be dishonest of me to say that my initial reaction is often not the most humanitarion of views when confronted with those set of circumstances. i fully realize that it is a misplaced anger that results from my own personal fear. but i dont seem to be getting any better at dealing with it.
2. i fear that some day i will end up being a bloated baseball fan. now this is the one that is even harder to explain cuz it sounds like a joke. but really its not funny at all. i have issues with my weight and appearence and try my hardest to keep rationable about it. my love of food and eating is the polar oppiset and yet directly related to my unhealthy view of myself. i often gauge my quality of life by the enjoyment wich comes from a meal. i love eating and im really good at it. unfortunately i do not like being fat. and not only for myself but also for the people i love. now this sounds really shallow i know but i wish i were not so blob like cuz honestly i think my girlfriend deserves to have a totally hot boyfriend wich i am not. i feel ashamed for even saying that i know - but its true. our relationship is not at all based on apperences, but still this is how my insecurites manifest them selves. and as for the baseball fan thing - i think what i really mean is i dont want to be just some dudical plain uninteresting, boring, slob. sorry but that is what baseball is to me.
now that ive made a total fool of myself and probably insulted a few people - i will go back to feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing about it...
i have two major fears that have been nagging at me for quite a few years now. im not exactly sure what this says about me - but here it goes.
1. i fear that some day i will end up a homless junkie.
this is my biggest fear and its plagued me since high school. im not a junkie now nor do i ever intend on becoming one. but still the idea worries me. so much so that lately when i see homeless people - i start to become agitated. this is completely irrational i know. but some how i resent them for exemplifiying that that lifestyle is possible. i know that given the option, most of the homeless junkies would rather not be - and i ultimately feel bad for being aggitated. but still it would be dishonest of me to say that my initial reaction is often not the most humanitarion of views when confronted with those set of circumstances. i fully realize that it is a misplaced anger that results from my own personal fear. but i dont seem to be getting any better at dealing with it.
2. i fear that some day i will end up being a bloated baseball fan. now this is the one that is even harder to explain cuz it sounds like a joke. but really its not funny at all. i have issues with my weight and appearence and try my hardest to keep rationable about it. my love of food and eating is the polar oppiset and yet directly related to my unhealthy view of myself. i often gauge my quality of life by the enjoyment wich comes from a meal. i love eating and im really good at it. unfortunately i do not like being fat. and not only for myself but also for the people i love. now this sounds really shallow i know but i wish i were not so blob like cuz honestly i think my girlfriend deserves to have a totally hot boyfriend wich i am not. i feel ashamed for even saying that i know - but its true. our relationship is not at all based on apperences, but still this is how my insecurites manifest them selves. and as for the baseball fan thing - i think what i really mean is i dont want to be just some dudical plain uninteresting, boring, slob. sorry but that is what baseball is to me.
now that ive made a total fool of myself and probably insulted a few people - i will go back to feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing about it...
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
and it's never going to change. don't worry. your girl is lucky.
though i shouldn't criticize... i feel the same way. i like food way too much, and i spend way too much time thinking about eating, then trying not to. i have the same fear, minus the baseball.
forgetting that is...