monkeypox

suicide - real honest to goodness killing yourself on purpose. how do i feel about suicide? well lets see. have i ever been suicidal? my initial response is yes. there have been times when i have been so depressed that i felt as though the only way the pain would ever stop was if i were dead, therefor unable to feel anything. for the most part i do not believe in any sort of live after death, no heaven, hell, reincarnation, or haunting. i admit that my knowledge is limited but it is my belief that when you die your body decays and you no longer exsist. no soul, just fertalizer. why didnt i kill myself then? maybe even though i didnt recognize it at the time(s) i knew somewhere in my subconciouse, that things would get better. they seemingly couldnt get any worse. i think a more realistic description would be that i didnt care if i lived or died. is that suicidal? (for the record, i currently do care) i have had friennds kill themselves. and i have friends who want others to think that they want to kill themselves. for me this second group of "suicidials" is yes sad, but however mostly annoying. the whole cry for attention thing, really bugs me. i know - i sound calouse and heartless to even myself right now, but i think i would be much more sympathic to someome who honestly expressed the need for attention and support, than to someone who was trying to manipulate otheres into caring. in these state of desperation i realize that it is very hard to be rational and express your needs to others. (maybe i am just a heartless bastard) do i feel sad or annoyed by the people who do actually kill themselves? well annoyed no. sad yes, but i think this sadness stems from selfishness. im sad because i wont be able to see my friend again. i suppose really i should be releaved that such a terrible pain has been lifted up from someone i care so much about. i know im rambleing. im typing this out as i try and figure out what i think. possiblely in ten minutes ill have a completely different view based on something i havnt put into the equasion. why am i evaluating my feeling on the topic of suicide? well someone very close and dear to me recently expressed thay she is worried because she is experiencing boughts of depression wich she says makes her feel so spacy and uninspired that she has started to think she doesnt want to live. now this is scary and should not be taken lightly but i dont think she is actulally suicidal. i think she is just weighting her options. i dont think she is trying to get attention, i think she is just far too analitical for her own good. plus i want her to stick around for a while because i love her very much and if she wasnt around i would be sad - selfish, yes i suppose i am.