monkeybutt

thank you laura.

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last night before i went to sleep i pictured myself in a huge field, all alone under a high full moon. i pictured myself releasing pain from my heart and my head, all my bad habits of needing to medicate myself in order to manipulate my creativity. all the things i do in order to embalm myself against pain and also to feel that pain and other emotions, happiness, sadness, elation, whatever it might be. i pictured myself first as a stick figure, then getting bigger and bigger until finally i was as big as the moon. i felt the pain and the humiliation and the bad habits leaving me in waves of light and shadow and it felt good. i pledged to begin anew with a full heart. i fell asleep.

i had the most disturbing dreams i have ever had in my life.

i dreamed i was at some sort of festival or fair or party. it was huge. it was on a farm of some sort. there were barns and livestock pens. aside from cows and sheep and horses, there were wild cats and dogs chained up and in various manners of decomposition. they were also being tortured. i saw a bobcat on its hind legs staring sadly at me, its front legs in shackles. slowly over the course of the dream the tone became similar to that of a horror film. very rural, very isolated. i was looking for my wife and she was ignoring me and hated me. i screamed violently at her that i needed a divorce, that i hated her also. thenwell

first i saw a group of creatures or zombies or something surrounding a woman. they had her near some sort of oven. she was shrieking horribly, this bubbling awful shriek, and then i saw clearly as they tore into her abdomen and pulled her intestines out and stretched them until they burst open. then i was in a room with two men. one had a mask on like some fucking band member from gwar. the other had no face. they were laughing and belitting me. i got a chainsaw and cut off the arms of the man who had no face. blood began pouring everywhere. then i cut off his head, or sawed his face in half, im not sure. i felt no emotions at all during this. the man in the mask disappeared. he had never been real. he was a presence now. he was a demon.

now I was looking at textbooks, research books, books written about babies and infants and children who have had terrible childhood experiences, incredibly traumatic ones. the book was able to take pictures of the children and their brainwaves, how these children see the world after the trauma. a lot of them looked burned or disfigured, although they were in fact normal. several of them had swarms of bees around them. this was the way they saw the world. i saw clearly one experience from a child, perhaps me, who repeatedly saw himself in a room where a man similar to the demon from earlier in my dream would walk into the room and just stare at him. the child was terrified and thus became more and more withdrawn into this world because he felt he would not be able to articulate to adults that there was a demon watching him. i heard a voice say this experience becomes more important than anything in the childs life. he cannot continue with normal existence. then another voice, a childs voice, screamed out there is a demon following me everywhere! i think this was my voice.

the dream suddenly shifted to my high school basketball arena. i was attempting to play basketball with various boys and girls from my high school. many of them seemed disfigured or just odd in some way i cannot describe. toward the end of this phase of the dream we set one boy on fire. his face was the only part that burned. he was a star athlete, and he called a press conference in order to explain what had happened to him.

in retrospect these dreams now seem not quite as disturbing, but im shaking as i write this. i see they were fomenting change, they were about my release and all about death, but death of habits, death of ideals that no longer serve. i feel shellshocked. im empty now, but in a good way. my soul can now be filled.

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thank you to everyone else who has been really supportive. you all rock.