I really miss my momma. It's been a really rough day. Today would have been her 60th birthday. She raised me when my real mother was still a selfish little brat that didn't want a kid. She gave me the best she could give me. She did what she could to make me into a good person. I love her and I miss her so much. I hate being emotional and I haven't cried like this in a long time. She always made me feel better when I was sick or upset and now she isn't here. She isn't here to see the beautiful little girl she brought up become a woman. She wasn't there when I learned how to drive, when I got accepted to college, and she won't be for my graduation. Why did she have to give up? She knew it was coming. The very last thing she said to me when I saw her on Christmas 3 years ago was, "I'm gonna die, baby. I love you." I just told her that she wasn't goind to die as my aunt rolled her wheelchair to the car. How did she know? She wasn't sick anymore. I didn't think she was really going to die. She had been mentally unstable since my grandpa died when I was seven and I just thought she hadn't taken her medicine. My dad tells me that he thinks she was ready to leave the pain and she knew I was taken care of. When he says it, I feel a little better, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. I just wonder if she would be proud of me. I bet she would be. She was always proud of me. I was her baby and I was the light in her eyes. I meant everything to that woman. I wish I would have treated her better. I didn't know. I was busy being fucked up and snorting my weekends away when I should have been visiting her. Why do we always regret things after someone is gone? When I lost her, I had to change my life around. I'm totally clean now, but I can't help but hate myself for wasting my time with her. I'm sorry that I wrote such a stupid pity story, but I don't like to cry infront of other people, so ya'll get my venting.
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Anyway, my last words to him were " I wish you'd drop dead you old f**k", and when I came home from class I found him dead on our garage floor. His temper finally killed him. I felt pretty low thinking about what I said and regret it.
I am trying to make things up to my mom for worse things said to her. I try to spend more time with her on weekends and am the main caretaker of her home. I saw my father die a lonely, disgruntled man and do not want my mom thinking she has failed raising any of her kids, or her youngest is a total disgrace and f**k up. When I went sober 14 years ago, she said it was the best present anyone has ever given her. I think trying to spare her feelings kept me out of jail (OK, the thought of being raped was a deterrent too).
Anyway, after that long senseless ramble, you have come a long way yourself in life and you are still young. You have goals, a yearning for knowledge and are a very wise soul. You have much to be proud of.