monicaisafreak

Last night I decided to take a nice long hot bath and give MYSELF a massage. Then I wrote in my journal stuff that I wanted to make sure I wrote in here. I usually just write tidbits and thoughts--so here it is...

I tend to write about how I feel knowing that someone is going to read it and censor out or change things and I need to start focusing on myself. I still have those feelings regardless and i need to get them out!
I gave myself a massage. GIRL POWER! Yesterday, my freind May was over here to help me clean. We had to do some handy work we were like "YAH! Girl screws nail into table without mans help".

Well, that feeling of wanting to be in a realtionship is over. well, now I know that it wasn't what i even wanted in the first place. I wanted to be touched. I felt the touch of an adult human, and now that need is cared for. Sometimes it is hard to seperate the need to feel close to someone and the need to BE with someone. I am so happy because I learned this. That is what life is all about. Now I know next time I have that feeling, that that is what it is.
I spend all my day with a toddler. Touching, reading, hugging, holding, feeding, caring.....By the end of a tough day I am exausted and don't want to be touched. But sometimes I just want to be loved and touched by an adult, cared for like I care for jeremy.

I belive that my nude obsessions is part of my personailty--And I sometimes use that part of my personailty as an ice breaker. I love being naked. Its fun. Expecially with other people. Playing with each other's bodies, touch, learning what they like, ect. but its not something I can handle right now--not on a long term basis. once in awhiles ok.
This week might be tough. I have a lot of stress lately and it would be so nice just to cuddle with someone after the day is over. The baby asleep, homework done, just relax in someone elses arms.

I got the reality check.

I do wish for my present freinds to have more physical contact with me. Not nessicarily sexual, just whatever. Sometimes I need an adults praise and love

Before you read the next part--remember-GIRLS I will play with a girl at the next available oppritunity. I currently have no boundries with girls.

I have determined my boundries around any close contact between myself and a man
***No underwear off!!(I like skin 2 skin contact to get close, but I don't want to involve this part of me yet)
***No Oral(This is something done out of love and care for someone. NOT random. It feels empty. I don't get the whole benifit of giving if its not someone I truely love and care for. I enjoy giving oral very very much, but I can't reach that point unless my other needs are met. There seems to be a kind of heirchy of sexual needs. I need other things loved (mind, spirit, skin, heart) before you can dive into my pussy.
***No fingering. This is due to the simple that I don't enjoy it, unless priority needs(see above) are met first.
*** I'll tease you all I want but I won't directly touch your genitals
***Humping can be fun, if I take the lead.

These are basic rules I plan on sticking to for a very long time. They can either be respected or dissed on. Either way I know I'm doing the right thing.


I'M TIRED OF BEING TREATED 'FEMALE' FIRST, HUMAN LATER--SOMETIMES NOT EVEN AT ALL....