FIRST: THESE ARE JUST HYPOTHESIS AND THEORIES. IF YOU DISAGREE WITH SOMETHING, OR WANT TO SHARE ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW--PLEASE DO! I AM EXTREMELY OPEN TO NEW
INFORMATION AND USE IT TO FORM THEORIES FROM MORE THEN ONE POINT OF VIEW. I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU HAVE A DISCUSSION WITH ME IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
If you repeatedly tell a child what NOT to do, then he will do what you told him NOT to do. If you only tell them what not to do---it restricts them. Your job as a parent is to TELL your child WHAT to do, and how to behave---because they dont know how! They aren't born into the world already knowing societies norms, rules , ways to act in public, what to say when, they don't know about respect, they don't know how to be honest or communicate-- you have to teach them. you can't assume they already do and treat them like they already knew the rules.
EXAMPLE: DONT SAY: "Stop messing with my desk!", or "Don't mess with my desk" and just take him away with out giving him another activity to do. If you just take him away, and don't tell him what to do instead, he will continue to go for the desk, because he doesn't know what "don't" means! he just hears "mess with my desk". This happens repeatedly.
DO SAY: "Here, lets play with mommies jewelry box". It redirects him to another activity, and forgets about the other. He plays good for awhile and I praises him. He starts throwing stuff off the bed. Don't say: "Don't throw the jewelry". Do say: "lets sit on mommies lap away from the edge of the bed" and SHOW HIM!!!!!!!!! by modeling this command: practice what you preach. These can easily adapt to your childs needs. Particularly if you have a strong bond with your child. You are their model!
As time goes on-you can adapt to a growing childs needs. You won't need to tell a teenager a million times not to touch your desk, because if taken the previous steps, he would have already been taught the respect to not have to be told. You will need to direct a teen to behaviors that are current with them. DONT SAY: "Don't cuss, no cussing allowed in my house". This is bitter and states a rule over and over which a teen will hear the last part, just like a toddler "cuss in my house" they hear the last few words of a repeated rule. The entire statement is a negative word. cussing is negative. don't is negative. it gets negative thinking in their head and those are the messages that they get "cuss in the house".
DO SAY: "Please use words like "darn" or oops when frustrated or if you made a mistake. these words are more appropriate in this setting. It is a nice friendly reminder of what to do. If you say this repeatedly, then the next time they are about to swear, they might use those words instead!
The donts are first and the dos are last so that way you will remember the dos of each topic
INFORMATION AND USE IT TO FORM THEORIES FROM MORE THEN ONE POINT OF VIEW. I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU HAVE A DISCUSSION WITH ME IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
If you repeatedly tell a child what NOT to do, then he will do what you told him NOT to do. If you only tell them what not to do---it restricts them. Your job as a parent is to TELL your child WHAT to do, and how to behave---because they dont know how! They aren't born into the world already knowing societies norms, rules , ways to act in public, what to say when, they don't know about respect, they don't know how to be honest or communicate-- you have to teach them. you can't assume they already do and treat them like they already knew the rules.
EXAMPLE: DONT SAY: "Stop messing with my desk!", or "Don't mess with my desk" and just take him away with out giving him another activity to do. If you just take him away, and don't tell him what to do instead, he will continue to go for the desk, because he doesn't know what "don't" means! he just hears "mess with my desk". This happens repeatedly.
DO SAY: "Here, lets play with mommies jewelry box". It redirects him to another activity, and forgets about the other. He plays good for awhile and I praises him. He starts throwing stuff off the bed. Don't say: "Don't throw the jewelry". Do say: "lets sit on mommies lap away from the edge of the bed" and SHOW HIM!!!!!!!!! by modeling this command: practice what you preach. These can easily adapt to your childs needs. Particularly if you have a strong bond with your child. You are their model!
As time goes on-you can adapt to a growing childs needs. You won't need to tell a teenager a million times not to touch your desk, because if taken the previous steps, he would have already been taught the respect to not have to be told. You will need to direct a teen to behaviors that are current with them. DONT SAY: "Don't cuss, no cussing allowed in my house". This is bitter and states a rule over and over which a teen will hear the last part, just like a toddler "cuss in my house" they hear the last few words of a repeated rule. The entire statement is a negative word. cussing is negative. don't is negative. it gets negative thinking in their head and those are the messages that they get "cuss in the house".
DO SAY: "Please use words like "darn" or oops when frustrated or if you made a mistake. these words are more appropriate in this setting. It is a nice friendly reminder of what to do. If you say this repeatedly, then the next time they are about to swear, they might use those words instead!
The donts are first and the dos are last so that way you will remember the dos of each topic
[Edited on Feb 06, 2003]