moneypenny007

Today was the first time since being in the single digits of age that I have been purely happy with no specific reasons or mania. This might not seem like much of an event but for me this was huge. I have obviously been happy in my life, but always by specific things, or being distracted temporarily from life in general. It was the most amazing feeling. I am not normal, I know that by now, and I don't function quite right. Something in me always brings me down. And today was the first time ever in my life I felt in control of me. That I could tell myself not to worry, that it (whatever it is) doesn't matter. I honestly felt like Scrooge must have felt at the end of a Christmas Carol - pure elation after a life of negativity and unhappiness. Once I recognized this my mind felt like it never had before, it raced and ideas, thoughts, meanings, images flew through me that I could never describe it accurately. Then I felt overwhelmed, not a bad overwhelmed, but I think like a form of shock and feeling everything hitting me at once. I was happy. Is this what normal people are like? Just okay? In control of themselves? Not needing distractions but being able to be completely content and accepting of life? Maybe it was mania, but I haven't crashed. I always crash, and fall lower than I was before the manic episode. I was a little nervous, that it wasn't real, that I would lose it and realize I was crazy or manic or whatever. My mind flooded with thoughts faster than I could really manage, so I took a nap hoping to clear my mind and be able to digest whatever the heck had happened to me. And now I feel "normal", at least I mean I feel like I am still me, but a less broken me. I haven't crashed, I kind of settled softly and contently. Even if this goes away I am grateful I could feel happy and in control of the negativity that generally plagues my being. Maybe there is hope for me after all .