moneypenny007

i neeeeeed to find a new job. i am a supervisor at a drug store and every day i get more and more miserable. and i cannot deal with customers at all. i am supposed to be the calm composed one that deals with chaos and grumpy people but whenever anything negative happens i want to run away. if a customer is grumpy towards me i have trouble not being grumpy back. i am quite positive i am visibly irritated with them. i tell myself i cannot be this way but the anxious, sad, worn out side of me just doesn't give a fuck and shows through. i need to get out of retail and customer service but unfortunately there isn't much else for jobs around here. my doctors tell me i need to find another job because the amount of stress it causes me isn't good for me. but what options do i have??? i am trying to go back to school and am still waiting to hear back to see if any of them accept me. i want to start taking classes right now. when i took that class this summer i didn't get anxious or sad very much, i might get stressed when a deadline was coming up for an assignment and i still had a lot of work to do but it wasn't awful. it was nothing compared to how i feel most of the time. My therapist said i seemed so happy and excited and positive when i was taking that class and now i seem stressed and worn out. it was great having something like that to consume my time. It was a topic I thoroughly enjoy (philosophy, which i have decided to major in ) and i felt like i was DOING something with my life. I felt productive and motivated and most importantly not worthless. now i am back to everyday being a struggle, feeling like i am going nowhere in life and that there is nowhere i can go. i feel like the only person i can really talk to is someone i pay to listen to my stupid issues. i know i can talk to my husband but i feel like i have put so much on him already. and i see how much it hurts him everytime i say negative things about myself. i have tried talking to my friends before but most of them don't know how to deal with it. i scare people away. i had a friend that i got really close to and was opening up to, it was okay for a while but now we don't talk that much and he doesn't reply to my texts barely ever, especially if i am being sad. and i understand, what do you say to that. and i shouldn't dump my nonsense on people anyway. but it hurts. i am tired of feeling alone. i am tired of feeling like a freak. i know my anxiety and sadness is irrational most of the time but as much as i tell myself that i still can't shake it. i take meds that keep me from going over the edge but it never gets rid of that dull empty feeling inside. I was just prescribed Xanax for when i feel an anxiety attack coming on and it really does calm me down but the sadness doesn't go away. i am tired. i want my life back.i want to be able to function like a normal human being and not have to keep making up bullshit exuses for why i am the way i am. life is short i want to enjoy it.