mondrianblue

No matter how good something gets, it always falls apart for me. it always breaks for me, it always lets me down. im sick of fucking writing this goddamn fucking shit, im so sick of fucking always getting knocked back in this forsaken life. No matter how hard i try , i always have a wrench thrown in my face, and i fall broken on the ground. something has to be behind this what the fuck did i ever do? huh? i was born, dad had to be insitutionalised at an early age, mom was never fucking there, and she still isnt even though shes in the living room smoking a fucking cigerette and watching tv. I was picked on ever god damn day coming home crying, fucking getting screamed at by my fucking bitch mom when i needed something. fucking crying my self to sleep when it rained and leaked in my bed room making everything in my room moldy. fucking getting mom pissed off when i would get hurt or me or my brother had to go to the hospital, because we didnt have Health Insurance, and my mom was a single, high school graduate with 2 kids smoking her life away. Ignoring the needs of her kids,paying all her attention on paying the bills. When i finally found girls, they always tore my heart out because i was a good emotional punching bag, because im a nice guy.
My fucking car.... has an engine tick, yet i fucking got the oil changed just 2 weeks ago. the other night it ran out of antifreeze. and numerous other things are going wrong. like the electrical. i need my fucking car to keep my fucking job, and to go to school. i have to keep my job to get health insurance in Sept. I have to go to school. i have to... why do i have to have such fucking difficulties? huh? fucking my eyes are going to shit, i have floaters im sure of it. i dont have health insurance so i cant have it taken care of. and no one gives a shit about me. Im fucking sick of being alone. i really am. i fucking had to raise my self. im sick of it. Im the role model for my little brother i should be more Positive but i dont have money to go to the Psych and get some antidepressents. Im sure im getting that Mazda now. fucking all my tax refund, and im still going to owe IN. and im going to fucking have to get plates, insurance. fucking. everything.
I cant even kill myself, lol my mom and pop dont have money to fucking bury me. ive looked into it. though Lesley is something bright, though with my car dying, i wont get to see her..... why god ? huh ? why fuck with me? like this ? huh you fucking son of a bitch? im not fucking stoping , im going to fuckin get through this just to fucking spite you you motherfucker. My whole life has been darkness, ill be fucking damned before i let the light go away. fuck im already damned aint i? Someone. fucking help me. though i know noone will read this.