mondrianblue

the monthly meeting was fun, we got chewed out for not coming into work with cheery attitudes. lol fuck that shit, omg i was so pissed off. the second i get to work i get fucking bitched at from all sides its a wonder why im not "cheery" plus i saw an old friend 5 mins before meeting she was up just for yesterday, i could have hung out with her if i didnt have to go to the stupid ass meeting fucking crappy luck, though i did get a hug, which is aweome i havent been hugged in so long. it may sound stupid but i really really liked the hug, im hardly ever shown affection so when i get some i am in heaven. a simple hug can make a world of differance for me. hopefully i can see her someother time she comes back to visit, but i know it wont be for a while, and i know we wont hang out just not in my cards. nothing lately has been good . im really becoming more and more depressed, borderline suicidal. i dont ask for much, and is shows because i always get less and less. the reasons for living have become very nonexistant and only in my head. dreams are keeping me alive, though i know , i positively know im not going to ammount to anything and my time here will have been a complete waste. i wish i had some guidance and i wish i had someone to turn to, someone to tell me ill be fine, some encouragement. but all im finding is that everyone is ignoring me, i wear my emotions on my sleaves but no one sees. no one cares, and i dont care anymore. some one please make me happy , if only for a little while. i hate waking up, i had going to school knowing im going no where, i hate working all the time knowing its getting me nowhere just further into the trap of commerism im always buying shit i dont need. i dont make enough money to have enough to save and i buy stupid shit because i am depressed, lol its a vicious cycle, sorry this journal is so down. some one cheer me up please?