mondrianblue

Well, i think i saw a ghost the other day or hopefully im crazy. I was driving to work yesterday and i get this weird feeling in my stomach and i look over to the parking area of a grocery store that is in a town i drive through to get to work, and i see a Mazsa Protage with Michigan plates totally normal other then being its the same car of a past friend which i loved very much who managed to take my virginity while she was still married under the guise of being in a abusive relationship and i being her friend who loved her and gave her my heart and soul to comfort her and make things a little better from her, so anyways she joins the army, and our relationship starts long distance, and she comes home last march 2003 and we have sex while she is seperated from her husband and tells me she wasnt to be with me and everything, then she goes back to NY and meets another guy which gets her pregnaunt and lol she waits like 2-3 months leading me on with phone calls and emails where she tells me she loves me , and she will always love me, and shit like that. then one day finally tells me, though i shouldnt really feel that hurt, lol becuase she cheated on her husband with me, so why should i feel so bad? maybe because i loved her in high school and never made a move untill after she was married and being abused and shit, i dont know im obviously fucked up because of this but i dont really know how to deal with it. I really dont want to have to feaking talk to her because just thinking about that makes me nervous and puts butterflies in my stomach, because i still love her because she was the only girl to ever show me love and make me feel i was ever loved because in high school i was fucking hated, and she some how like me, and she is so beautiful, and some how liked me.
Hmmm. what else? oh yeah i quit my workstudy mostly because i cant work 2 part time jobs and fucking get good enough grades, lol and all the stress the 3 bring stack on top of other shit, like paying for college by my self but living at home which makes me un able to get finacial aid from the governement, but i can luckily get grants, lol and i have this constant fear of growing up actually growing up to fucking conform, i dont want to fucking do that shit, fuck that. i dont have money to fucking pay for school and i dont know how i will pay for fucking normal college when im out of Community college. Oh well i wish i had something to distract me from the future, i wish i was just dead. that way i wouldnt have to worry about that shit. i want to devote my life to spiritual development but you cant make money from that and you need money to fucking survive in a capitilistic society. Graphic Art is one opition but how am i going to go to school? lol Stupid ass money.

Lol, i need a girl to distract me any takers? lol

On a lighter note, nothing else really seems to suck and the summer looks promising just after the summer that im worried about.
later. dave.