moldspawn

Well Gage, our 13 year old red nosed pitbull was euthanized on Wednesday at around 10 am. I was stuck at school so I only got to say goodbye to her when my ex left the apartment before I did. It was so sad. I spent a chunk of Tuesday night crying and trying to console myself that euthanizing her was a good choice. You see, she had a tumor and due to her age and a tendency to bleed, she couldn't be operated on. Additionally, she had gotten more geriatric quickly - she had more trouble walking, she had a sore on her foot, she couldn't get up the stairs or onto the bed as well, she had two more cavities.

I wish I had gotten to spend more time with her. She seemed sooooo happy to be going out on Wednesday. I think she might have thought that she was going for a special walk by herself with mom. I wanted to cry and cry and cry but I made myself put on my game face because I had to go to school and function and make it through the day without ripping someone's head off because I was in such a fucking crappy mood and I was stuck in the anticoagulation clinic until almost 6 pm. I don't know if I would have handled the vet's office much better, though. So maybe it was not a bad thing that I was at the hospital all day. I just doubt they would have let me come in late to go to the vet....I dunno.

It's sad watching a pet age. I guess it's better than dying before your pet and hoping that someone takes care of the pet after you're dead. But it's also damn hard knowing that your pet is all happy you're home, happy that you're paying attention to her, happy that she's getting steak and cheese and fun treats...all the while she's clueless that she's going to be dead in the morning. It's a horrible thought and it's difficult to think about it.

I've been keeping myself busy the last few days as a way to avoid the fact that she's gone. I spent the first night away from home because I didn't want to notice her absence. I didn't sleep well the night before and then I stayed out from 8 am until midnight that day - from school to the gym to a bar then to derby girl's place. I felt slightly better after sparring because I didn't pull my punches or kicks as much as usual and I guess I was taking out my emotions on my sparring partner - but she didn't get pissed at me. Thanks K.

I haven't slept that much the last few days either. I go to sleep late, I get up early, I look at her empty dog bed, I looked in the drawer and noticed that there's only one leash and one food bowl in the drawer. I don't know if my ex got rid of Gage's food bin because that would suck to open up the cabinet every day to feed Drew and to see Gage's food bin sitting there collecting dust.

Sucks. I've felt like shit, I've felt tired, I've felt run down, I've felt fatigued, I've felt sad, I've felt angry at everyone for annoying the fuck out of me at school, I've felt confused about how to deal with my ex and how to console her. She had Gage since the dog was born. It must be hell for her and it's only worse because of our recent breakup.

Fucking fuck.

R.I.P Gage - 10/15/1995-4/25/2007