I'm gonna go ahead and warn you all that this blog is filled with spoilers about the Transformers movie. I'm not using spoiler tags for a god damn good reason: The movie was awful, and I want to ruin it for as many people that I possibly can so that no one else will give Michael Bay their money.
First off: This "film" was two and a half hours long. Thirty minutes of said film was worth watching. In this thirty minutes, Michael Bay gave us some hot robot on robot killtastic murderfuck (that's code for Autobots and Deceptacons kicking the shit out of each other for all you suburbanites who haven't gotten the bitter taste of the streets as I have). This thirty minutes was great. It was a C.G. circle-jerk that only Michael Bay could deliver. Only this time, instead of oil drillers playing grab ass on an asteroid, we have 30 ton robots beating the Christ out of each other (the son of God warrants capitalization. (so does God, apparently)). It was fun to watch. Painstaking detail was given to the design of each of our favorite Transformers, and by God... They looked beautiful. As a fun little side note, Michael Bay managed to show his true colors (no pun intended) by making Jazz, the certified 'ethnic' Autobot, the only Transformer to be ripped in half and murdered by Megatron. Yes that's right. The only Transformer to be killed was the black one, ladies and gentlemen. You're a class act, Michael.
This brings us to the other two hours. I don't think words can express my anger over how much the humans of the film dominated the screen in comparison to the robots. Granted, the robots were present, but they weren't fucking anything up except Shia Lewhatever's character's house. They turned Transformers into a 'derp de derp' comedy flick. That little bastard from Holes wandered around making smart ass remarks for no reason other than to make me want to vomit.
Wait, wait. Allow me to back up a bit and ruin the plot for you guys. So, Shia Lefag plays Sam Whitwick... Whitwack... Fuck, his name is Skip from now on. So Skip is the token awkward kid in high school whose grandfather was a great explorer or something. Skip tries to sell his dead grandfather's glasses on eBay. Turns out, these glasses hold the map to some giant cube that can destroy earth or something. So here's where the plot starts to really come together. The fuckin' robots, I shit you not, LOG ONTO EBAY AND FIND THE GLASSES. That's right, Autobots and Deceptacons are tapped into the fast paced world of online bidding according to Michael Bay. So it's a race between the two races of robots to get to Skip and those silly glasses, and thus, get to the cube thing (it's called an allstar or something. I don't know, I was too pissed off to remember). What follows is a 2 hour romp with Skip and the Autobots trying to keep the glasses away from the Deceptacons. There's a hot chick involved in there, too. She used to hang with the cool kids in school but then falls for Skip after a bunch of robots try and kill her. Makes perfect sense. At one point (and by one point, I mean for 30 FUCKING MINUTES) Skip and hot chick are at his house looking for the glasses with the autobots putzing around the backyard, destroying Skip's dad's lawn. HILARITY ENSUES.
Oh, and there's some stupid side story with dudes in the army in Iraq coming across Deceptacons, and inexplicably meeting up with Skip, hot chick, and company later on in the movie for the final showdown. Oh, and there was yet another side plot where Jon Voight is the Secretary of Defense. He hires some computer whiz people to help them out or something. Then that annoying black guy from every movie in the past 3 years showed up and yelled a whole lot. I'm not really sure, this is where I started to black out from rage.
I don't think I can go on talking about this movie. Megatron dies and takes the black Autobot to hell with him, Bumblebee gets his legs torn off and then decides to live on earth for the rest of his life in the form of Skip's car, and Optimus Prime wins... And the rest of us lose.
So again I say: Fuck you, Michael Bay. (Poet)
First off: This "film" was two and a half hours long. Thirty minutes of said film was worth watching. In this thirty minutes, Michael Bay gave us some hot robot on robot killtastic murderfuck (that's code for Autobots and Deceptacons kicking the shit out of each other for all you suburbanites who haven't gotten the bitter taste of the streets as I have). This thirty minutes was great. It was a C.G. circle-jerk that only Michael Bay could deliver. Only this time, instead of oil drillers playing grab ass on an asteroid, we have 30 ton robots beating the Christ out of each other (the son of God warrants capitalization. (so does God, apparently)). It was fun to watch. Painstaking detail was given to the design of each of our favorite Transformers, and by God... They looked beautiful. As a fun little side note, Michael Bay managed to show his true colors (no pun intended) by making Jazz, the certified 'ethnic' Autobot, the only Transformer to be ripped in half and murdered by Megatron. Yes that's right. The only Transformer to be killed was the black one, ladies and gentlemen. You're a class act, Michael.
This brings us to the other two hours. I don't think words can express my anger over how much the humans of the film dominated the screen in comparison to the robots. Granted, the robots were present, but they weren't fucking anything up except Shia Lewhatever's character's house. They turned Transformers into a 'derp de derp' comedy flick. That little bastard from Holes wandered around making smart ass remarks for no reason other than to make me want to vomit.
Wait, wait. Allow me to back up a bit and ruin the plot for you guys. So, Shia Lefag plays Sam Whitwick... Whitwack... Fuck, his name is Skip from now on. So Skip is the token awkward kid in high school whose grandfather was a great explorer or something. Skip tries to sell his dead grandfather's glasses on eBay. Turns out, these glasses hold the map to some giant cube that can destroy earth or something. So here's where the plot starts to really come together. The fuckin' robots, I shit you not, LOG ONTO EBAY AND FIND THE GLASSES. That's right, Autobots and Deceptacons are tapped into the fast paced world of online bidding according to Michael Bay. So it's a race between the two races of robots to get to Skip and those silly glasses, and thus, get to the cube thing (it's called an allstar or something. I don't know, I was too pissed off to remember). What follows is a 2 hour romp with Skip and the Autobots trying to keep the glasses away from the Deceptacons. There's a hot chick involved in there, too. She used to hang with the cool kids in school but then falls for Skip after a bunch of robots try and kill her. Makes perfect sense. At one point (and by one point, I mean for 30 FUCKING MINUTES) Skip and hot chick are at his house looking for the glasses with the autobots putzing around the backyard, destroying Skip's dad's lawn. HILARITY ENSUES.
Oh, and there's some stupid side story with dudes in the army in Iraq coming across Deceptacons, and inexplicably meeting up with Skip, hot chick, and company later on in the movie for the final showdown. Oh, and there was yet another side plot where Jon Voight is the Secretary of Defense. He hires some computer whiz people to help them out or something. Then that annoying black guy from every movie in the past 3 years showed up and yelled a whole lot. I'm not really sure, this is where I started to black out from rage.
I don't think I can go on talking about this movie. Megatron dies and takes the black Autobot to hell with him, Bumblebee gets his legs torn off and then decides to live on earth for the rest of his life in the form of Skip's car, and Optimus Prime wins... And the rest of us lose.
So again I say: Fuck you, Michael Bay. (Poet)
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
doolittle:
thrasher:
loose seal?