Emo journals are annoying... you've been warned. 
Confused:
I dont have a clue whats going on in my life at this second. Either Im at the bottom of a mood swing thats clouding my vision. Or Im screwing things up again. Ive had nothing but terrible feelings about what is, or isnt going on with my new romantic interest ever since Thursday. Im scared to death that Ive quickly soured things again.
Over the last few years Ive grown farther and farther apart from the friends that used to always be there to do stuff with. I dont relate to them in any way. And I find myself sitting at home alone more often. If I do go out I find myself feigning interest in some mundane conversation, or some wretched band/person/place/etc. I dont want to fit in. I got over that need to belong in junior high. But more then anything I feel like I need somebody who I know will always be there. Even if it is just to sit in silence together. I havent had that comfortable feeling in over 4 years. And all the random girls, or passing friendships mean very little to me right now. But I feel that this isolation, and loneliness is the very thing that is ruining my attempts to get out of this rut. I feel like Ive too much to give. It overwhelms me, and definitely makes me a little crazy. Even if I am good at holding it in. I hate the initial game playing aspects of dating. It destroys me every single time. Death by analysis. I just need a moment of certainty. To see the sparkle in some ones eyes, and the warmth of their embrace, and to not have to worry that it will be there again next time I see them.
Confused:
I dont have a clue whats going on in my life at this second. Either Im at the bottom of a mood swing thats clouding my vision. Or Im screwing things up again. Ive had nothing but terrible feelings about what is, or isnt going on with my new romantic interest ever since Thursday. Im scared to death that Ive quickly soured things again.
Over the last few years Ive grown farther and farther apart from the friends that used to always be there to do stuff with. I dont relate to them in any way. And I find myself sitting at home alone more often. If I do go out I find myself feigning interest in some mundane conversation, or some wretched band/person/place/etc. I dont want to fit in. I got over that need to belong in junior high. But more then anything I feel like I need somebody who I know will always be there. Even if it is just to sit in silence together. I havent had that comfortable feeling in over 4 years. And all the random girls, or passing friendships mean very little to me right now. But I feel that this isolation, and loneliness is the very thing that is ruining my attempts to get out of this rut. I feel like Ive too much to give. It overwhelms me, and definitely makes me a little crazy. Even if I am good at holding it in. I hate the initial game playing aspects of dating. It destroys me every single time. Death by analysis. I just need a moment of certainty. To see the sparkle in some ones eyes, and the warmth of their embrace, and to not have to worry that it will be there again next time I see them.
Concerning your confused thing...I really think this is something all people our age go through...I haven't spoken to any of my friend in almost a year...I'm not sure why, I just feel like I can't deal with it...I guess it has something to do with the fact that they are still living my old lifestyle, which I can't imagine going back to...Going out every night and having meaningless conversations with random people is something that I refuse to do anymore...
You will meet the right person...I know you don't believe it, but you will...You're talented, have a kick ass sense of humor, and you're fucking gorgeous...Perhaps Sacramento isn't the place to meet cool girls...I don't know, but I do know it will happen for you, you just have to keep an open mind and wait for now...
Sorry to bomb your journal with the longest journal entry of all time, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your uncertainty...