mockingbird

I'm in a shitty, frustrated mood right now. I would like to cry but I hardly ever cry and so I won't.

I hate this. I don't want to go back to school. I'm tired and even though I do pretty well, I haven't met enough people or namely anyone (besides my soon-to-be-roommate) that I could be close friends with. When I DO cry... I hide it by "taking a shower".

I get to see my best friends tomorrow and then Sunday I have to go back to school and I won't see them again until the summer. And even in the summer, we'll all have jobs so we won't see each other much.

Speaking of jobs, I'm just fucked. I don't think I can find one but I have to keep trying because my parents are yelling at me. I hate having social anxiety problems. I procrastinate doing anything involving meeting people or talking on the phone. Even if I do get a job, I'll be freaked out every day.

I don't even know what I want to do with myself anymore. I miss writing but I can't write. I can't do journalism because I can't write and I don't have the balls. I don't even know how pre-law will go because I'm not as psycho-competative as a lot of these people and I'm so shy that public speaking is hard for me. I'm passionate about justice and helping people but everything scares me.

I feel like a failure.

And I feel alone. I'd say more, but I can't.

Sorry for ranting on here all the time. I feel bad because it comes off like I'm whiny and miserable all the time. I'm not, really. I guess blogs are just a good place to rant. Sorry.