mkayal

I'm writing this while drinking so this might be minus inhibition but I've been thinking

In the end, everything is on you
The job I pursued I couldn't get, can't get, isn't going anywhere
The job I have is shit. Whatever perks it's had is now gone
The jobs available to me are a step up from shit but it's a placeholder.
The job I am not getting paid for is not going to pay for anything but I love it
I have no friends but I shouldn't be surprised
I didn't socialize much ever
I work five nights a week when everyone else has a life
The people I work with aren't people I hang with.
I did the math, I think as things are, I spend more time with the people I work with more than my own family
In my extended family, I have no real place.
I don't do anything they do, got nothing to speak of
I went to school but that is turning more and more into wallet masturbation in retrospect
I was asked to go to county college, or was I told? I didn't press much
I wanted to go to another school, but I was told commuting was out of the question
So I went to the school I went to and got a half ass education.
Oh I learned plenty but I was in a rush to get out. Through. Through is a better word. I was in a rush to get through and done.
I didn't even enjoy myself. College experience. Holy fuck what a joke. Show up to class, get a good grade, go home, study, go to work, sleep, repeat. Fuck me.
The internship I pursued originally was impossible.
At the time, I'd have to take a loan to cover the traveling costs. Or, actually, I'd have just cut my classes on three days and gone part time and the refund of the classes would have covered the costs.
Wait, no it wouldn't.
But I didn't get the internship. I was offered a chance at another.
But I didn't bother. It would cost too much.
I didn't hang out with people. I was working.
There was one class, where we were charged full price for half an education.
Sure, we talked big.
Fuck the school. Give us our money back.
Yeah, and take the credit back too?
Yeah, fuck us too.
Graduate, glad to be done. Now get a job.
Apply. Apply. Want to videotape weddings?
Can't even get a reply out of that.
I had an internship. Checked in on how what I did in the fall was working. It wasn't.
I took an internship that I made the most of but fuck if that ended pear shape.
I realize I have this problem.
I don't give a shit.
I do this day in and day out and I don't care.
As much as I hate anything, I still go along.
I have no life and I couldn't care.
No social skills, no real job skills
And the kicker? I'll impulsively try too hard
Someone told me I was smart
On some rubric maybe but I might as well be as dumb as they come
I don't doubt people
I buy shit I don't need
I do shit for next to nothing
I take all the shit I don't need and laugh at it
Someone once told me I was the abortion that survived and laughed at it. The punchline was they could tell by a nonexistant scar on my neck.
But like I said, in the end, it's all on me.

You know in stories where there's that character that had dreams and ended up falling short a lot. My biggest fear is that I'll be some sort of pathetic fallacy. Mothers will talk about me to their children, "Don't be him."

fuck it, like I care