miyu

This is a fairly personal blurb.....maybe it shouldn't be in here but that's where it ended up. I'm shedding the last bits of anger and frustration that have hung on to me. I think I need to just let it rip instead of just swallowing it all and pretending that it doesn't bug me. It's funny how sometimes little things will get under your skin and bug you. How even though months have passed it still bothers you....how do you shake that feeling? How do you let it go?

I hate how this still bothers me....I hate how for whatever reason I can't let it go. I think what makes it so hard is that I have to cut all ties to make things right even though I did my very best to make it right. I stuck up for things and stood in a storm, loved with every inch of my soul and yet, I was the one who lost the friends, lost the person I loved ...I feel punished for believing in someone. I was punished by the very person I believed in. The injustice burns my heart. I guess that's why it's not a little thing under my skin. For once in my life, I would love to have someone who stuck up for me as much as I would stick up for them. To look in my eyes and know that I would go to the ends of the earth for them and believe it. How in god's name do you trust anyone?

I hate that this person has shamed themselves. I am embarassed to have cared for someone who has totally made an ass of themselves. I wish I could say, that even though I am not with him, that he acted honourably, that he did things that I would be proud of.....He hasn't. He has does things that I can't even fathom, that I don't understand, that make me ashamed. It is someone I can't even tell my little dood about as someone who I actually cared about. I can't say,"It's ok, he's doing things he needs to do and he's a good guy and a friend." I can't say that to Aleks. I can't say anything to him because this person has done nothing but hurt others and himself. I'm so disgusted and I'm disgusted in myself.