miyu

I had a very intense dream about the person I love. I said goodbye in it and that's a word I never use. He walked away in the snow...knee deep and struggling. I walked away.....
but on top of the snow. I barely marked it, my black cloak billowing behind me.

I really said goodbye.
I talk to this person still and they put their arm around me at one point and I actually flinched slightly.

I was talking to a fellow Suicide boy about my realization that I truly have no hope and that has given me a freedom and a saddness. I prefer it to the knawing hope that leads to despair. I don't think he understood. I guess you don't until you get to that place where you truly have given up and have no hope whatsoever. I do not despair. I only look life in the eye with a certain knife-like clarity. I'm not willing to compromise who I am to be with someone who won't understand me anyway or will try to change me so they can.
That is despair.
Hope is for angels.
My job is to get things done.