misterkain

In the few years I've been here, I think I've blogged about, at most, ten times.

I think it's because I'm prone to just exploding rather than thinking rationally, and I'm pretty sure most of my posts would go against what the last post was about, or just to apologize... or just wishing I could erase... I don't know.

All I know is that the new year is coming up on me really fast, and I'm not exactly sure how to take another year of disappointment and stress, and then sudden bliss for no reason, just to crash into depression again. Though, this is the first time where I've had a whole month where I can't get out of the depression at all... and it's starting to make me think things I only thought of when I don't rationalize correctly. Except now it's happening when I'm perfectly rational in other aspects.

I've gone to doctors and such in the past, and as much as they seem like they've helped, I don't think I take them seriously solely because I don't trust them... or really feel like they care.

A friend of mine said that "No one can make you happy except yourself, you just have to figure out how to do it." I've lost that ability it seems, because I just can't crack a smile anymore unless I'm faking it for the benefit of others.

When I try to talk to friends, either they play it off as I'm "emo" or that I'm just stressing... and my family always wants to bring God into the factor, but I haven't felt like God has cared in a long time.

All I know is that I'm tired of crying in the elevator at my job, just to clean my face off and hand people their packages...