missred

i found out my ex has slept with someone else this morning. i guess it happened new years eve or the day after or something. we havent been together for 6 or some months now. our break up has been draw out over that whole time tho. it was horrible. the kind of emotional pain that makes you hurt physically. so i thought that finding out he had been with someone else would bother me but surprisingly i am not. the only thing that bothered me was not knowing her name, which now i know. i dont want any other details just the name. i guess that makes it official or something i dont know why i wanted, needed to know. he is still in love with me. i wont be with him so he is trying to move on but everything he does to move on makes him feel bad bc its not me. i still love him so much but after what happened i am numb and dont really have feelings like that in me anymore. i could be with him or anyone else for that matter bc the feelings arent there. i care about ppl and love him but its not the same. now that we have both been with someone else if feels more severed and that doesnt bother me. even tho i still want him in my life, i guess to know hes alive and ok...i dont ever want anything to happen to him. id do almost anything for him, still. he made bad choices and it ruined us but i cant let go completely. im in such a strange place but i guess thats what happens when someone takes all of your emotions tied to love when they leave. what makes it worse is he left with out knowing he was doing it.

i dont know if anyone reads these things but i have to put it somewhere since i dont have anyone to tell or talk to.