missmontana

Last night was another sleepless night, it is funny after months fearing death and feeling exhausted not sleeping is as comfortable to me as an old pair of shoes or a girlfriend from my childhood whose name I can't remember. Just laying there still watching the clock and the night sky changing color as the hours passed by, thinking, just thinking. About him. About life. About happiness that I am just that, Alive. Remembering every detail of things done during the day, recalling in every perfect detail how good it feels to be entwined, enmeshed. I think about these things as my mothers voice now garbled in my brain screechs at me, "Do not become enmeshed to a man, you will never get free." Smart women my mother, although often cruel and strange then suddenly childlike and helpless. I see her in my head as a shadow, looking at me, confused, angry, dangerous. She never knew how good it could feel. So good, so bad. Laughter on my face, yet a echo of pain in my chest. I realize that I am often happy making myself miserable. I think maybe I shouldn't read into him too much.

When 4 am rolls in like a ghost train ripping through my brain my thoughts shift to a different man. One whose eyes haunt me from behind plated glass, whose words dictate my life even though it is physically out of his grasp. Knowing, judging, tired. People often ask me about my father, amazed by his steelly intelligence, his dark humor. Prime numbers spill from his mouth like wine, self taught 3 languages one of them Japanese, Poet, scientist, artist, high school graduate no college. I never know what to say. To tick his characteristics of like statistic will never explain him. He is a murderer. My mother gone from this world by his hands, yet I don't know if I like him or not. Mostly I don't want to talk about him. I want my life to be seperate from his crime, his life. I want my life to be something seperate from my fathers life. I want my life and his to be on different pages. So that I am the only one who can hold them up to the light together.