Monday Aug 16, 2010

0
I've started organising my financial situation, which is something I've been putting off for ages now. I feel like once I start doing that I'm going to go back to the same old routine that I was stuck in & I don't want that at all. Just that hopeless, endless, escapeless feeling that comes when you start 'living' again. I know that everyone gets that & it's not like bills aren't going to happen, just that I hate feeling like all this shit is just going to start all over again. That I'm going to bottle shit & it'll get out of hand & I'll end up at that place again... & I hate that place because no one listens to you & there isn't any escape.

I've also realised lately that I've got a few issues regarding my past with Pete that's marring my current relationship. Nik & I were talking about it last night: how you've been hurt alot in the past, then you meet someone awesome but you're afraid of things going badly & getting hurt again so you hold back when you want to just launch at them & that in the end it's unfair on them because you're not giving your whole but the thought of being hurt again is just too much. Pete did a few things in the past that have caused me to be a jealous (though, hopefully quietly) bitch so that I can't read/see/hear anything without looking way too far into it & having an anxiety attack.

*le sigh*

I would say 'it would be easier to be a lesbian' but that's really not true. Relationships are repationships & in the end the same shit is going to go down.

Is it ironic that relationships get better as you get older & wiser but worse because you get cynical & jaded?

Why is life so scary? Not scary because there are new things out there, but scary cause things might stay the same?
tactical:
Nothing to be scared of the worst life can do is kill you. As far as the guy thing every guy is different.
crimsonpetals:
Thats how I am, a paranoid biatch!!!! I've already found myself having a few anxiety attacks and my sister inlaw penis has talked me through them. It was mostly before the babies were born - preggo women are wise and calm, it's fucking weird. Normally Penis is hysterical but she was such a good advice giver tongue

I really really like James, but I'm so afraid of finding out he's got women all over the place, or he's still into his ex girlfriend, or when he goes away for work he's 'not really' going away for work frown I'm working on it and haven't shown him any signs of being paranoid, but its shitty that as a result of past relationships I feel this way.

I'm glad you are seeing things in a new light though miss and are taking control. We should take a trip tongue I am also working on my financials....I took out a new debt to cancel out an old debt that I stupidly took out with someone else under the impression that I wouldn't be paying it off alone! Now it's all under control and I can breath again smile xox

More Blogs