I have come to realize with my social anxiety that I am slightly Agoraphobic! What's that you ask?
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder, often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia may avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to their home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place."
I don't believe I have a severe case... I try and feel as normal as possible and go to work. I refuse to make eye contact. I don't talk to anyone at work. I go there, get the job done, and go home. A sad and pathetic existence!! The reason why I may seem "anti-social" is because I am so horribly scared of making a fool of myself in public. The though of embarrassing myself in front of others makes me want to vomit. The other day when myself and ronnie were at the mall, I shyly asked a question to someone selling large size plugs... Ronnie corrected me in front of this perfect stranger... and I seriously wanted to CRY! I was so enraged that he would embarrass me like that!!!!! To some, it isn't a big deal. But for me to even make small talk with people around me... is a HUGE effort!!
I don't keep myself completely house bound. But when I go out, I need someone by my side at all times or I freak out. One time, when I was flying from Ontario to Halifax.. my ride wasn't there when I landed and I BALLED MY EYES OUT!!! I had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the airport and a airport clerk person had to calm me down and comfort me until my ride arrived.
Of course I don't like living life this way. There is a side of me that is wild and free!! I enjoy being intoxicated because that is one of the few times when I will actually let loose and be the person I want to be. Happy. Fun. Out there! I lot of people would never guess that I could have this disorder. I try extra hard to hide my insecurities... When inside if I say something stupid, I remember that moment forever and feel like such a tool.
An example of this... Jen had her friends and family drive out from Ontario to Nova Scotia for a well deserved visit! Myself and ronnie bumped into them at the movies. She introduced us... and I said, "oh you're Jen's sister? You don't look alike" (and at the time, they didn't because I am TERRIBLE at recognizing when two people look alike... I use to think george clooney and ben stein looked the same) Anyway... Ronnie laughed and was like "are you serious!? They look the exact same and you can totally tell they're sisters" and everyone giggled innocently at my poor observation... Unfortunately I was so distracted and horrified that I could say something to dumb, that I was distracted throughout the whole movie.
ugh... It feels good to get all this off my chest... but at the same time I feel completely insane for avoiding situations for the soul reason that I'm scared of being in an awkward place I can't run away from. Its easier to avoid situations than facing them head on. Like I said, this isn't who I use to be. This isn't how I wish to live. I'm currently on medication to help with the anxiety I battle with everyday. I'm praying that it makes me see the light, and be the person I am inside. I have so much to offer... I need to stop hiding behind this mask.
Luckily, I have amazing people in my life.. who love me no matter how awkward, how silly, how dumb I can be at times. They don't judge me for being socially retarded, and are always there to comfort me when I need it the most. I'm grateful to find a 'safe place' with these people. They make me feel accepted, just the way I am. For their sake, I want to break out of my shell and be the best friend, girlfriend I can possibly be for them!!
Quote of the day: "everyone only appears normal... until you get to know them"
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder, often precipitated by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia may avoid public and/or unfamiliar places. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to their home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place."
I don't believe I have a severe case... I try and feel as normal as possible and go to work. I refuse to make eye contact. I don't talk to anyone at work. I go there, get the job done, and go home. A sad and pathetic existence!! The reason why I may seem "anti-social" is because I am so horribly scared of making a fool of myself in public. The though of embarrassing myself in front of others makes me want to vomit. The other day when myself and ronnie were at the mall, I shyly asked a question to someone selling large size plugs... Ronnie corrected me in front of this perfect stranger... and I seriously wanted to CRY! I was so enraged that he would embarrass me like that!!!!! To some, it isn't a big deal. But for me to even make small talk with people around me... is a HUGE effort!!
I don't keep myself completely house bound. But when I go out, I need someone by my side at all times or I freak out. One time, when I was flying from Ontario to Halifax.. my ride wasn't there when I landed and I BALLED MY EYES OUT!!! I had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the airport and a airport clerk person had to calm me down and comfort me until my ride arrived.
Of course I don't like living life this way. There is a side of me that is wild and free!! I enjoy being intoxicated because that is one of the few times when I will actually let loose and be the person I want to be. Happy. Fun. Out there! I lot of people would never guess that I could have this disorder. I try extra hard to hide my insecurities... When inside if I say something stupid, I remember that moment forever and feel like such a tool.
An example of this... Jen had her friends and family drive out from Ontario to Nova Scotia for a well deserved visit! Myself and ronnie bumped into them at the movies. She introduced us... and I said, "oh you're Jen's sister? You don't look alike" (and at the time, they didn't because I am TERRIBLE at recognizing when two people look alike... I use to think george clooney and ben stein looked the same) Anyway... Ronnie laughed and was like "are you serious!? They look the exact same and you can totally tell they're sisters" and everyone giggled innocently at my poor observation... Unfortunately I was so distracted and horrified that I could say something to dumb, that I was distracted throughout the whole movie.
ugh... It feels good to get all this off my chest... but at the same time I feel completely insane for avoiding situations for the soul reason that I'm scared of being in an awkward place I can't run away from. Its easier to avoid situations than facing them head on. Like I said, this isn't who I use to be. This isn't how I wish to live. I'm currently on medication to help with the anxiety I battle with everyday. I'm praying that it makes me see the light, and be the person I am inside. I have so much to offer... I need to stop hiding behind this mask.
Luckily, I have amazing people in my life.. who love me no matter how awkward, how silly, how dumb I can be at times. They don't judge me for being socially retarded, and are always there to comfort me when I need it the most. I'm grateful to find a 'safe place' with these people. They make me feel accepted, just the way I am. For their sake, I want to break out of my shell and be the best friend, girlfriend I can possibly be for them!!
Quote of the day: "everyone only appears normal... until you get to know them"