missmay

I keep dreaming about Dustin. I don't want to, they're more like nightmares. These emotions are getting too much again! Every night I dream of him. It was him trying to kill my baby again. He was gave me oxycontin and kept blowing smoke from the bong in my face. I had one of us being happy and buying a house together too. I wake up and I have to remember I'm here, alone, and pregnant with his kid and he doesn't care. I want to hit him in the face with a baseball bat sometimes. I keep freaking out! I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want to have my baby and get this going. I'm terrified. I try to calm myself down about this and think about how Cortney has two kids. She was never alone though. She had my family and hers with Jayden and well, she and Mike are married.. I want to run away. I keep crying again. I want my baby out of my belly and in my arms. But I'm so scared because I'm doing this alone. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job because I won't be able to take him to a daycare center. I'm afraid I will lose my health and in turn he will too because I don't have any money. Miami Valley Hospital is trying to make me pay $2k before October for my kidney. I'm afraid I'll have to have a C-section because baby is going to be too big. I'm scared I'll go into labor at work and not be prepared for any of this; that he won't be there at all once baby is born. And that once I do go into labor, I'll be alone when I have my baby. Completely alone. I'm afraid my car will break down and he and I will have nothing. We'll lose my house and in turn my job and be in a worse prediciment than I'm in now. I need support from this man. I can live without him intimately and emotionally, but I need him here with my son! I can't do this alone.