missmay

it's just getting harder and harder every day. i havent stopped crying since yesterday morning. well, i have literally, but i am so down, i cant even fake a smile. this week has been very hard. i dont even know where to start. it's like im in a hole and i cant climb out. theres a lid on top and he has the key. he doesnt want anything to do with me. he hates me. but i love him and every day i go on living like he's still mine. because, i'm still his if he wants me again. i cant do this. it's not good for my baby. i just wish my baby was here now. i wouldnt be so lonely. i'd have someone to hold and love and kiss and say i love you to. i'm tormenting myself thinking he is going to call. thinking he is gonna come back with open arms. god im like a damn psycho! i cant get over this. how do i make this better? ever heard of telephone telepathy? it's a proven science that if you think of someone enough, they will call. well i'm proving science wrong. i just wanna hear him, i just want him to call. he doesnt do that anymore; just call for no reason. i think i might change my number so i know he cant call me.
on top of dealing with my emotions with that, im preggo so they're even ten times stronger. i went to my nutritionist thursday and she told me im gaining too much weight. i've put on 8lbs in 15 weeks. personally i dont feel like i've gained a lot of weight at all. she has me on a diet which i think is making me sick. yeah.. did you catch that? pregnant lady on diet. pregnant hypoglycemic lady on a diet at that. i've been really dizzy and shaky and waking up to feel like i'm going to die. i did my fisrt wic shopping and new meal plan shopping last night. it was fun picking out a bunch of healthy -and free- food, but when i got in my car and shut the door, i was sobbing. i was craving beans and rice, and there is a taco bell by my house. yeah at 2am, i was the one sober person in line ordering just a side of beans and a side of rice. when i got up to the window the boy stopped before he said anything else and said, "i just have to tell you, you are absolutely beautiful." i cried. why do the men who dont matter to me think im gods gift to them and the one man i love and want to spend the rest of my life with hates me?
i cant do this without him. i guess i really didnt know what i had until i fucked it up. i cant do this without him. im sobbing right, trying not to call. i know he'll answer the phone all pissed off that im calling, but that'd still be better than nothing.