missmay

welp, since i cant tell him about my dream, and i really feel the need to share, i suppose i'll enlighten you fine folks who read my blog. i dream of him every night. i've decided thats the only way i'll ever see him again, and i have to accept that. my dream was immaculate. yes, immaculate. we were married. it was the day of the wedding and i was, oh i'd say, about 6-7 months pregnant. and i was beautiful. my hair was long and curly like i used to have it in highschool. it was of an auburn color and all pinned up with curls around my face. my dress was a pearl satin with teal accents. i had a teal belt-like ribbon wrapped around with a bow in the back. the dress was not poofy, but slender with a beautifully embellished train. all of my tattoos were there, and for some reason i was shocked. there were these sleeve like ribbons which covered my shoulders only when positioned correctly. they were teal too. i had a simple, yet very elegant, lace veil which went down just passed the small of my back. i was standing outside looking in a mirror, a mirror like you see in fairy tales in a princess' chamber,fully ready to walk down the isle, rubbing my pregnant belly and smiling, basking in the glow of my beauty, when he came to me. he came up behind me and put his head on my shoulder and his hands on my belly. i wasnt angry for him to be seeing me before i walked down the isle to him. i was delighted he came to me. the picture before us was perfect. no words were spoken in my dream, and we never went down the isle. it never went any further than us standing in the mirror in love. i want to fall asleep right back into that dream and let it continue and hopefully never wake up.

i dream of him every night. and every night i wish they werent dreams. gosh, and now i'm sobbing. "i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." I HATE THAT SONG. it describes my nightly routine to a tee. every minute is a struggle for me to not pick up the phone. sometimes i want to call him and argue just so i can talk to him. you know, its been about 3 weeks since he's told me he loves me. i tell him every day, not that he can hear me, but i tell him every day. i tell him im sorry, i tell him i miss him and i love him. i think of his kiss everynight when i go to sleep. crying myself to sleep is one of the only ways to keep from staying up at night.