missmay

another day down. 4:28.. 13 hours, not 12.
no jack tonight, just trees and a hot hot shower.
i almost drove myself to the hospital and checked myself in. every thought i have is how to end it. who would i be hurting? they would feel the pain for a little while and then realize theyre better off without me. no. thats not true. i hurt every day because cole is gone. i wouldnt want to do that to those i love. i need an out. i want to take off in my car and drive to jersey. too bad gas is $2.70 a gallon, or i would.
i am lying to myself. i am not happy. i hate my job. i love the people, i hate my job. im just another fucking restaurant manager. that one girl who never left town cuz she couldnt. i dont deserve the way he treats me. he is so good to me and i dont deserve it.
someone said to me tonight, you either swim in hell or float in heaven, or drown somewhere in between. im swimming, and drowning in hell. i feel even less every day. more empty? every day has become a routine. one im getting good at faking. i feel the empty. it doesnt hurt, it just is.

for real tho..i could use some percocet..