missmay

why cant i just feel normal. every day seems to be a range of highs and lows. motivation, affection, resentment, hate, lust. sometimes i have to go away to tell myself this is real. this is real. i have to pinch myself just to know. im so unhappy, period. this is not what i wanted for myself. but it is what i have and must accept it. i cant change it. where i am now is solely due to my choices. i feel like living is torture to my soul. i see a flicker, far far ahead; just a gleam in the night. gone. instantly. just as quickly as it shown, its gone.
i tried to tell you!! everyone falls for me. i've learned to give it as a disclaimer; they all fall in love. i never promise i'll fall in love back. i will break your heart. and no dustin i'm not talking to you. i am in love with you. you're gonna fall, hard. they all do!< i think i might get that tattooed somewhere. any ideas? "they all fall in love"> im not sorry you fell, i warned you. i am not sorry i am in love.
and i need to come back down. a wave of passion, quickly interceded by the thought of reality. i dont know where to differentiate dreams from reality. i dont know where to draw the line from an image or thought in my head from what is going on in front of my waking eyes. i dont feel the pain. none of it is real. i am not even real. i am deep within someones mind. i am thought up, drawn together. my make up was predestined and i am not in control. my hands are bound as to not grasp, my eyes sewn shut. my lips have been sealed to conceal the thoughts from within. i am a cog.
i have nothing. i see the end, no light. just the end. it is over. finally.