where did i leave off? it doesnt matter. i can start over at any point. and really, i think thats where i'll start. i am ready at this moment, or the near future, to start over. i am in a dead end job and i cant afford school. i am picking up a second job and hubflubbing my life around. i just him to be able to go too. i endured quite the spiritual journey this week. i lost it, was at my wits end. sobbing, six states away, in an alley, alone in the dark. and i had a revelation. i had my talk with God. i havent really spoken with him in a long time. it felt good to connect. i have asked for answers. not for them to be handed to me, but i have asked for my eyes to open. i can say it all so easily, i have to do it. i have to walk the walk. i am in love with dustin, and everything he has to offer me. i have come to realize 'its not always about you.' .. or you.. or you.. or you.. or you.. or you.. its about us. always. about all of us, and how everyone in our lives can be bettered by our existence. i have been told for as long as i can remember and up until november/december i dont ovulate. i dont make any eggs to be fertilized. my half of the baby isnt there. i cant get naturally pregnant. its good on some accounts, but it breaks my heart. there isnt a day, almost, in which i dont cry a little looking at someones healthy baby, in the arms of loving parents. its just not fair sometimes. well, i have to realize, life isnt fair. you have to take it how it comes. i could have children if i go through a series of shit. i was taking my frustrations out on dustin and malaki. its not their fault they have what i want so bad. i am stubborn too, i want my own. i want my own to share with you. i want to, one day, have a baby and spend the rest of my life with dustin. i have never ever felt like this before. its real for once, forever. i want to lock our pasts together and start a new future with him. everything. i love him so much it hurts to know he isnt here. sometimes it hurts to think i cant hear him tell me he loves me. i had a dream this morning, and then the same on the plane home. i usually have dreams of miscarriage. i'll carry my baby girl(s) 7-9 months and then give birth to a dead baby. this dream was the opposite. it was so happy. i can see her face still. i can feel her warm body in my arms. she had jet black hair, olive skin, blue eyes. she had his nose but my face. she was so beautiful. it was so perfect. we all were there and so happy. we were a family. thats the only thing i want out of life. a family. if he can give me that, which i found he could this week, then im his forever. i just hope he feels the same way. 
