mirima

I guess I'm still mourning the loss of my relationship(s). I don't know why it's fair that I should enter in a relationship with two people who have already committed themselves to each other, only to have it end a few months later, because love is not enough, and have their relationship stay perfectly intact. They're moving in together. Great! And I have no one. I thought I had Brian, but it turns out he doesn't want me as much as I thought he did. The more I think about these things, the more my heart hurts. I'm breaking under all of this hurt. I try not to think about it, and throw myself into my work, but it just doesn't work like that. It's something I have to face.

I wish my life could go back to the way it was during the summer. My summer was the stuff of myths. I experienced things I thought would never happen to me in my life. And now, I have nothing, and no one. Well, that's not entirely true. I still hang out with a few select friends, some that are using me, some that aren't, and I'm still occasionally going to the Society in Hartford, CT. I guess that's something. But it's not enough. I just wish one of my partners would love...and not be crazy about it. Right now I'm being chased by a man who says crazy things and wants to marry me, and I'm chasing a guy who seems to care less. I don't get it. Don't I deserve some happiness too? After all I've done for people and how much I've devoted my heart to people?

Maybe I am flawed. Maybe loving too hard is a flaw. Maybe thinking I don't deserve the love that is returned to me is a flaw. Maybe not being perfect is a flaw. I hate my face, and my grades, and my looks. I don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to spend my time with, and I don't have a car. I don't have the best self-esteem, but isn't the thing about love that you accept someone for who they are, depression or not, and love them anyway? Maybe I have the wrong idea of love. Apparently I have not been wronged in this. Apparently I have done the wronging. And I guess that's true in certain circumstances...but I don't think it's entirely fair that I get nothing out of this. That I get the broken heart, and the two people I love get to stay together in bliss.