Its almost the new year, and I don't really have any resolutions. I'm not really sure what my resolutions should be...I've never really made any, and if I have, I never actually did what I said I would do. Ok...so I guess I have my usual goals....get my lisence and a car, go back to school, get a better, full time job, get the hell out of my parents house, find love perhaps.....but thats all the usual stuff. I can't really make any promises to myself, because I know if I do that, I'll only end up being disapointed.
I kind of wish I could seperate myself from those who cause me heartbreak....yes, any of you who have read my previous blogs will know about this girl I've been seeing...although, I'm not really "seeing" her....just sort of,, kind of, still sleeping with her, which doesn't help anything, and I'm not sure how we keep doing what we do. She tells me she's not in love with me, so we stop dating...she tells me she doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore...so we stop sleeping together...but we do this on and off thing...she tells me she doesn't want to sleep with me, and then fucks me anyway, and I promised myself and her that I wasn't in love with her, and it didn't do anything dangerous to me mentally, but I lied. Le sigh....I'm not sure if she really has feelings for me, or if she is just using me...in a subconcious way...cause she's really a nice girl and a good friend...most of the time anyway...when she's not blowing me off.
Oh....what am I saying? I need to get away, but can't. Ok, that could be my resolution. And to play my bass more.
So resolutions are.....play my bass more and become more dedicated to my music and singing, and find someone to be with who actually loves me for me, and will commit to me without any hesitation. But that is so hard to find. I can't seem to find a girl....well, a gay girl for one, and one that I mesh with well, and who likes me for me, and who is willing to commit. Its so much harder finding l've in the gay community....I know a bunch of guys who would want me...but I don't want any of them. Since coming out, and I still am, I keep fooling myself into thinking I'm interested in men, and then I get physically sick when I try to be with them. I'm sort of pathetic, I guess. Looking for love in all the wrong places...but everyone does it. I really truely feel like I'm going through adolescence all over again....and the heartbreak and ache is so much worse. Sigh........
At least, hopefully, I get to see my best buddy Colin and his family this weekend. I know he'll make my heart smile.
Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!
I kind of wish I could seperate myself from those who cause me heartbreak....yes, any of you who have read my previous blogs will know about this girl I've been seeing...although, I'm not really "seeing" her....just sort of,, kind of, still sleeping with her, which doesn't help anything, and I'm not sure how we keep doing what we do. She tells me she's not in love with me, so we stop dating...she tells me she doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore...so we stop sleeping together...but we do this on and off thing...she tells me she doesn't want to sleep with me, and then fucks me anyway, and I promised myself and her that I wasn't in love with her, and it didn't do anything dangerous to me mentally, but I lied. Le sigh....I'm not sure if she really has feelings for me, or if she is just using me...in a subconcious way...cause she's really a nice girl and a good friend...most of the time anyway...when she's not blowing me off.
Oh....what am I saying? I need to get away, but can't. Ok, that could be my resolution. And to play my bass more.
So resolutions are.....play my bass more and become more dedicated to my music and singing, and find someone to be with who actually loves me for me, and will commit to me without any hesitation. But that is so hard to find. I can't seem to find a girl....well, a gay girl for one, and one that I mesh with well, and who likes me for me, and who is willing to commit. Its so much harder finding l've in the gay community....I know a bunch of guys who would want me...but I don't want any of them. Since coming out, and I still am, I keep fooling myself into thinking I'm interested in men, and then I get physically sick when I try to be with them. I'm sort of pathetic, I guess. Looking for love in all the wrong places...but everyone does it. I really truely feel like I'm going through adolescence all over again....and the heartbreak and ache is so much worse. Sigh........
At least, hopefully, I get to see my best buddy Colin and his family this weekend. I know he'll make my heart smile.
Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!
